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Main
Hard To Get
SETTING: An empty office. There are desks and dormant
computers.
AT RISE: MARK sits at his desk looking over textbook proofs.
(There is a knock at the door. STEVEN enters, looks around,
sees MARK, takes a step toward him. MARK looks up, greets
him warmly.)
STEVEN
Hey.
MARK
Holy shit, look who it is!
STEVEN
So, what have you got for me?
MARK
What do you mean?
STEVEN
Mark, I just called my machine and
got your message. I
assumed you guys had some extra
work for me.
MARK
No, nothing like that. I just
thought you might want to
stop by the office, whatever. But
it's five, Steve --
everyone's already left for the day.
STEVEN
(Looking around)
That's right, I forgot. Recess
comes early here on
Fridays.
MARK
Is it good to be back?
STEVEN
Not good. Strange.
MARK
This is your day off, right?
STEVEN
Yes. And I was out shopping.
MARK
Steve, you can shop any time. We
never get to see you
anymore. We miss you.
STEVEN
It's not mutual.
(He holds up a six-pack)
Anyway, I bought beer.
MARK
(Taking one)
See, now that's what I like to
hear.
(They both open beers,
drop into swivel chairs,
and drink
throughout the play)
STEVEN
(Grumpy, mad at himself
for coming)
Call me if there's extra work, I
said. I can't believe you
dragged me -- never mind. Skip it. What are you working
on
MARK
Technical manuals. Murphy has some
tie-in to a dentistry
school now. We got books like this up the wazoo.
(STEVEN looks at the proofs)
STEVEN
That is a really unpleasant-looking
illustration.
MARK
Tell me about it! I am so fucking
sick of pictures of
teeth! How's the new bullshit going? The . . .
firewater . . .
STEVEN
Fire wire? Fire wall?
MARK
Whatever.
STEVEN
I have no idea what we're doing,
still. It's not creative,
like they promised. But it'll sound good on my resume.
(Clinking beers with MARK)
Like I know something about computers.
MARK
You do know computers. We've gone
through a bunch of temps
since you split. But the one we got now -- I think she's
gonna last.
STEVEN
Yeah? Knows what she's doing?
MARK
Pretty much. Plus, she's -- she's
so hot. I mean, every
guy in the office is, like, drooling over her. Even
Murphy.
STEVEN
Poor girl.
MARK
(Very enthusiastic)
I mean, I've never seen anything
like this girl. She's
got, like the cutest face, and the sweetest ass, and she's
built like a brick shithouse --
STEVEN
You're so romantic, Mark. You
always were.
MARK
No, and hey, she's smart, too, and
funny. She's like . . .
you. Knows more about books than the full-time editors.
STEVEN
Too bad I'm not built like a brick
shithouse.
MARK
The weird thing with her, though,
is she's so unapproachable.
I mean, Andy made some joke, when
we were all here, about how
beautiful she is -- and she got so
uptight! You wouldn't think that
would piss a girl off.
STEVEN
It might.
MARK
I don't know how the hell to even
talk to her. I freeze up.
STEVEN
Just be yourself. And try to avoid
a sexual harassment
suit.
MARK
Well, no -- I'm not her boss, I
can't fire her like Murph can.
So I could ask her out, right? I
mean, just to hang
out, like I used to hang out in O'Malley's with you, for
God's sake. And we could just -- see what happens.
STEVEN
Then why don't you?
MARK
Because. I don't know what the
fuck to say to a girl like that.
No matter what, she's going to
think you're just handing her
some line.
STEVEN
(Amused)
Probably. Isn't that what you're
doing?
MARK
Forget about it.
(He sips his beer)
I just wish I could hang out with
girls the way you can.
STEVEN
Mark, I'm not a threat to them.
I'm not on the prowl. I'm the
eunuch guarding the harem.
MARK
(Resentful)
That's not the only reason. Women
just think their gay friends
are so fucking wonderful, so
"responsive" --
STEVEN
That's what this is all about. Now
it starts making sense.
MARK
What?
STEVEN
This is why you asked me to stop by
the office. You want to pick
my brains on how to pick up girls.
You probably hoped I'd come
by earlier, so I could size her up.
MARK
Steve, no offense, but obviously I
don't need you to tell
me how to pick up women.
STEVEN
So, then, why are you going on
about this?
MARK
I'm just shooting the shit --
Jesus. You're an old friend
and I wanted to see you again,
okay? You're so fucking
paranoid, I swear to God. You get
touchy for no reason.
STEVEN
(Mildly)
No, you're a manipulative bastard
and you irritate me,
sometimes, to the point where I
want to beat you to a bloody
pulp. That's one of the reasons I
got out of here.
MARK
Because of me.
STEVEN
Because of you.
MARK
(After a beat)
I'm never gonna understand that.
STEVEN
What's her name?
MARK
Who?
STEVEN
The shithouse girl. Your lady
love. She has a name?
MARK
Alyson.
STEVEN
Alyson. And what does she like?
MARK
What do you mean?
STEVEN
Do you know anything about her?
MARK
She reads a lot. She reads
paperbacks on the train, she
says, and there's a book she reads
during lunch that she keeps in
her desk.
STEVEN
And she sits here? At my old desk?
MARK
Yeah.
STEVEN
(Lifts book out of drawer)
She leaves it unlocked. That's
unwise. Huh. She's reading
Faulkner. I wonder why.
MARK
Um, maybe you shouldn't --
STEVEN
I'll put it away before I leave.
MARK
I just don't know what the fuck to
say to this girl, you know?
Like, yesterday, I go over to her,
and I want to start a
conversation -- and I wind up
chewing her out.
STEVEN
About what?
MARK
Some stupid thing. She didn't
format the inventory right,
who the fuck knows.
STEVEN
And she didn't find you commanding
and impressive?
MARK
No. She thinks I'm an asshole.
STEVEN
Well, but at least you tried. It's
the method a lot of guys use in
second grade.
They see a girl they like, so
they throw a rock at her.
MARK
Fuck you, man.
STEVEN
No, thanks.
MARK
No, but just being around this girl
is so intense. It's
like, I'm walking around the office semi-hard. You ever
have that?
STEVEN
(Looks away from Mark)
Excuse me?
MARK
Where you're so hot for someone,
it's like junior high school,
with no self-control, no dick
control. You just get a boner
for no reason, you know?
STEVEN
Hmm. Maybe you should wear looser
trousers.
MARK
It's ridiculous. Like, I'll go by
her desk to borrow White Out
or Post-Its, and suddenly my dick
is busting its way out of my BVDs
and I'm, like, leaking.
STEVEN
Goodness.
MARK
You ever have that with anyone?
STEVEN
(Embarrassed, riffling
through
things on the desk.
HE answers brightly)
No, but thanks for sharing.
MARK
Oh. Maybe that was a little too
much information.
STEVEN
Never mind.
(Very direct)
I've heard so many intimate,
graphic, blow by blow details
about your cock, Mark, I feel like
we're old friends.
MARK
Hey, now, don't pull that.
STEVEN
Don't pull what?
MARK
That whole routine. Like, when
Jack on Three's Company
would freak out Mr. Roper by acting
gay. Bat his eyes or whatever.
You're good at it, but don't pull
it on me.
STEVEN
(Sarcastically over
concerned)
You think I was playing head games
with you, Mark?
MARK
(Gruff)
Kinda.
STEVEN
It's very wrong to do that. All
I'm saying is, you've shared so
much about your cock with me -- its
habits upon waking, its staying
power while fucking, how you like
to have the crown nibbled,
grooming secrets --
MARK
Okay, okay.
STEVEN
That I feel I've been through a
couple of wars with it.
MARK
You're right, I shouldn't use you
as my personal Dr. Ruth.
STEVEN
(With emphasis)
No, you shouldn't.
MARK
(Sprawls in chair, swigs
reflectively)
I guess I just figure, you gay guys
-- actually have that much
more experience.
STEVEN
We do tend to meet more cocks.
MARK
No, but I mean, with sex in
general.
STEVEN
Oh, right. You mean because I
spend every night down at
the Mine Shaft, cruising, disco dancing,
(He executes a Saturday Night Fever step)
chugging down poppers, fisting hundreds of guys --
MARK
You're saying, what, my image is
out of date?
STEVEN
Just a little. It doesn't describe
me, at any rate. I'm
sorry to say.
MARK
Well, so, maybe you're not really
gay, then.
STEVEN
Oh, I'm gay, Mark. I'm just not a
party-hopping club
kid. Actually, it's sort of flattering that you think I'm
so wise about sex and love. Bizarre, but sweet.
MARK
Look, fine, whatever. Let's get
back to Alyson.
STEVEN
Ah, yes. Alyson.
MARK
I was just thinking, maybe we could
try this with you being Alyson.
STEVEN
(Bewildered, does a double
take)
Try what?
MARK
Like, you could sit here at her
desk, and I try to talk to you,
and you tell me if I'm doing it
right.
STEVEN
You've got to be kidding.
MARK
Come on, man. I'm putting myself
on the line here, I know, and
making a fool of myself, but I
really like this girl.
I don't know what to do.
STEVEN
(Incredulous)
You're putting yourself on the
line? What do you think you're
doing to me?
MARK
(Annoyed)
I'm asking you to help me out. Why
do you have to turn it into such
a big deal? I'm not saying you're
a woman or anything like that.
I'm just -- I don't have any women
friends I can ask about this shit.
STEVEN
Well, that should tell you
something right there.
MARK
I've told you what Alyson is like.
She's incredibly beautiful, but
she's cold. She's suspicious of
everybody. So, just be her for a
moment, and let me come on to you,
and tell me what I'm doing wrong.
STEVEN
Forget it, Mark. This is very
weird, even for you. You're
really pushing --
MARK
Hey, you're supposed to be my
friend, here.
STEVEN
Wrong. You're my ex-co-worker,
that's all.
MARK
(Angry)
My mistake. I thought you were my
friend, too. I thought I could
count on you.
STEVEN
You are so full of shit.
(They lock eyes. At last
STEVEN sighs
and sits)
STEVEN (CONT'D)
Fine. I'm Alyson. Approach me.
Pretend we have something in
common. Go ahead.
MARK
I appreciate this, guy.
STEVEN
Just go ahead, be charming, let's
see what happens.
(MARK looks around,
embarrassed. STEVEN
turns on the PC, starts
typing)
MARK
Oh, fuck!
STEVEN
What's the problem?
MARK
Forget it man, you were right.
This is messed up.
STEVEN
No, go ahead and practice on me. I
don't mind.
MARK
I don't know what to say.
STEVEN
Well, you're from Mars and Alyson
is from Venus, but you've got to
pretend that you can have an actual
human connection with her.
MARK
Let's just forget it.
STEVEN
(Exasperated)
Now, look. You dragged me over
here on my day off, and you
obviously had this in mind. I had
put you and this
place behind me, but you wanted my help. So, let's go.
MARK
Hey, Alyson -- shit!
STEVEN
Keep going.
MARK
Alyson, um, how's it coming with
those proofs?
STEVEN
(Assuming a different
voice)
I'm almost done with molars. I'm
moving on to gums.
MARK
Great, that's great. I see you've
got a book there.
STEVEN
That's right, I do.
MARK
(Attempting humor,
slapping his back)
Hey, no reading on the job, now,
we're so damned busy --
STEVEN
(Lightly)
I know that, Mark. I only read
during my lunch break. I wish
you wouldn't check up on me and put
me down all the time. I do work
hard.
MARK
(Alarmed)
Uh, sure you do! Sure you do. I
appreciate that. I was just
wondering . . . what are you
reading?
STEVEN
Long-winded southern literature.
MARK
That's great. That's really great.
So, Alyson, I got to tell you.
The way you do that thing with your
nose -- like Sam on Bewitched?
Just kills me.
STEVEN
No kidding. Andy said the same
thing to me last week.
(Breaks character)
You're not really going to say that
to her, are you?
MARK
Why not? It's cute, it's non
threatening --
STEVEN
Mark, this woman is reading
Faulkner during lunch at work.
Now, what does that tell you?
MARK
(Frustrated)
Okay, yes, she's smart, she likes
to read, I understand. I talked
about that. But if she also
happens to be drop-dead gorgeous
and I happen to point it out, is
that a crime?
STEVEN
Please, Mark, listen carefully to
what I am telling you. Believe it
or not, fantastically beautiful
women get tired of being told
that they're fantastically
beautiful. They hear the same
lame lines over and over. They get
insecure.
They can see that men don't want them for themselves, for
their minds -- it's just too blatant and obvious and it
depresses them, see? And years go by, and they get old
and wrinkly, and they know that when they lose their looks
no one will want them, and then they kill themselves. Like
Marilyn Monroe. And we don't want that to happen to
Alyson, do we?
MARK
Hell no.
STEVEN
So, then, you've got to do a more
convincing job of pretending to
want more than her sweet ass and
her Samantha Stevens nose.
Pretend to really listen to her
ideas. Pretend to be interested
in her views on politics and
movies. Ask her about her family,
and what she wants to do if she
ever stops temping. Ask her things
you ask your guy friends.
MARK
I don't ask guy friends all that
shit.
STEVEN
Well, what do you talk to them
about?
MARK
I dunno. We talk about basketball,
or girls or whatever. You're the
only guy I ever talked to about off
the-wall stuff.
STEVEN
Well, thank you. I'll take that as
a compliment. But I think you
should try talking about some of
this off-the- wall stuff with
Alyson. Unless you can trick her
into thinking you see her as a
person, you're never going to get
a chance to bone her.
MARK
(Stung)
Hey, you know, fuck you, man.
STEVEN
You keep saying that.
MARK
You think all I'm after is a quick
fuck, here, and I'm not at all
sure that's the case. This is a
very classy girl. I resent this
whole . . . attitude of yours. You
know? You haven't even met her.
STEVEN
You're quite right.
MARK
Like I could never be serious about
anyone.
STEVEN
(Being a little mean, but
also trying
to help MARK do a reality
check)
Maybe you could. But a lot of
women place a ridiculous emphasis
on substance, as opposed to form.
And Alyson may
have started off with the assumption that people in
publishing are these literary, articulate, sensitive
guys . . .
MARK
Oh. Not like me, huh? You're
saying I'm too dumb, my
family is blue-collar so she could never like me? Well,
excuse me, we can't all be fucking Ivy League-educated --
STEVEN
I'm not saying that. I'm saying --
you're an active guy.
You're a doer. You're not some nerdy, academic type. You
can't fool her by pretending to be what you're not.
MARK
(Saying it to mock, to
hurt)
Well, maybe you're right. Matter
of fact, you might have
more in common with her than I do. It's just too bad you
can't date her.
STEVEN
Mark, there's a basic law of the
universe you should know by now.
We only want the people we can't
have, who are completely wrong
for us.
MARK
That's so deep, Steve. I can
always count on you for the
deep one-liners.
STEVEN
Yes, you can.
(HE puts away the book,
turns off the
PC. MARK, slightly drunk,
opens another
beer and becomes
conciliatory)
MARK
You're sort of a Kwai Chang Cain --
original series Kung Fu. This
wise loner guy. You know, okay,
maybe I did want you to
stop by today to say what you thought about this Alyson
thing. But I was also hoping --
STEVE
What?
MARK
(Shrugs)
I dunno. That you'd see everybody
together, and maybe think
about, like, coming back here.
STEVE
I thought my replacement was
working out well.
MARK
No, I don't mean her job. But I
bet Murphy would give you
Ted's job at this point. He's so pissed off at him. The way
he spends all his time playing around on the Web like it's a
game of Space Invaders or something . . .
STEVE
You're kidding me. Ted's still
doing that?
MARK
I swear to God, every day when Ted
turns his computer on and
announces to everybody:
(Together, MARK and STEVEN sing out the
words Ted always says, mocking his
intonation , both amused)
MARK AND STEVE
"I have mail!"
MARK
(Laughing)
Like he just won the Olympics or
something. And Murphy
starts slamming things, and muttering to himeself. And then
Ted spends half the day getting into flame wars in these chat
rooms --
STEVEN
That's always been so strange to
me. Grown men, who'd be
afraid to fight in public, even verbally, endlessly
insulting each other. Locking antlers in cyberspace.
MARK
I know. And it's costing us a
fortune. Seriously. You
should talk to Murphy. He's fed up.
STEVEN
Thanks. But I'm not after Ted's
job. He's a sorry specimen
of a man, but he does have several large pets at home to
support.
MARK
Well, then just come back here part
time. Couple days a
week. Seriously, Steve, you helped make the office work.
You were part --
STEVE
Of the furniture?
MARK
No. I just mean you were an
interesting, regular character
on this show who should at least come back for a cameo now
and then, even if he has his own spin-off now.
STEVE
It's not much of a spin-off. But
I'm doing pretty well
financially; I don't really need a part-time job.
MARK
I'm not talking money. I'm saying
. . . We had some wild
times when you were here. You correcting Murphy's English.
Rewriting him. Pushing him just so far, and then smiling
sweetly at him, like, "What's the problem?" You know?
Doing your impressions and that Abba karaoke stuff.
STEVEN
Oh, I was the class clown around
here.
MARK
Yeah, it made the office kinda fun.
Like messing around in school
and not getting busted for it.
STEVEN
Murphy would make a good high
school principal. He's dreary
enough, insecure enough. He missed
his calling.
MARK
Yeah.
STEVEN
It's strange how you do your time
in school, you count out the days
of your confinement. And you never
realize that the rest of your
life will be exactly the same. So
many jobs are like school -- high
school, not college.
MARK
Yeah, life's a bitch and then you
die.
STEVEN
Life's a T-shirt slogan and then
you wear one.
MARK
Huh?
STEVEN
Anyhow, I shouldn't complain.
There's no office intrigue or
power plays where I am now. It's
nice and impersonal. Isolated
cubicles. And they let me do a lot
of my work at home. I just hang
out in the virtual office.
MARK
Home alone, huh? That can't be
much fun. I'll tell you
the truth, Steve, Murphy was scared of you because you were
smarter than him. He couldn't out-argue you, so he let you
get away with shit. You were like our little rebel.
STEVEN
(Flattered, embarrassed)
Please.
MARK
And you gave me good advice and
all. I mean, I gotta tell you,
guy, I miss hanging out with you.
Really. Couple of times I took
you down to the titty bar, I
thought I could maybe convert
you.
STEVEN
I don't think it was good for me,
going there with you.
MARK
I showed you how to tuck a bill
into a g-string, that's gotta
count for something, right? And
the first time you saw my
motorcycle -- man! You were so
scared to get on it.
(Laughing)
That night I drove you over the
bridge in the rain, you were
scared shitless.
STEVEN
(Unsettled by the vivid
memory)
That was quite a ride.
MARK
(Grabs imaginary handle
bars)
Jesus, I was drunk out of my mind,
and it was pouring, and you were
squeezing the fucking air out of my
rib cage . . .
STEVEN
You didn't seem to mind at the
time.
MARK
It was wild. Amazing we didn't go
over the railing.
(STEVEN studies him,
sizing him up)
STEVEN
It amused you, having me around.
MARK
You were a buddy. You were funny.
You said what you thought, even
when it was rude or nuts. Straight
up. I'll tell you, this thing
with Alyson? I think she does know
I like her. Sometimes, it's like
she's almost encouraging me --
and then she just plays hard to
get. I hate that shit.
STEVEN
Yeah, Mark, I know what you mean.
I think cock-teases and mind
fuckers are the lowest kinds of
people there are. I think they
should be roasted on a spit over an
open flame.
MARK
(Startled)
Well, I wouldn't go that far --
STEVEN
I would.
MARK
Yeah, well . . . what I'm saying
is, I never thought I'd miss
having a queer friend, but I do.
It's weird. You're obnoxious,
but I feel like I could say
anything to you.
STEVEN
I'm afraid you're just getting
drunk and sentimental. It was
never as open and honest as you
think.
MARK
Well, you know. As honest as two
guys can be. Plus, no offense,
but it was good beating you at arm
wrestling. I mean, it let me
know all my time in the gym was
paying off.
(Puts up his arm)
Wanna give it another shot?
STEVEN
(Rising)
My, look at the time. I guess I'd
better be going.
MARK
Hey, okay, no arm-wrestle. Want to
head over to O'Malley's? Or how
about Billy's Topless, for old
time's sake.
STEVEN
No, I don't think so, Mark.
MARK
(Stands up unsteadily)
Oh, come on.
STEVEN
Why don't you let me take you to
one of my favorite bars?
MARK
(Patronizing)
I don't hang out in gay bars,
Steven.
STEVEN
Why don't we take another ride on
your motorcycle? You're drunk
enough.
MARK
Naah, I'm taking the train.
STEVEN
Or why don't you just come back to
my apartment?
MARK
Wha?
STEVEN
(Furious)
Why don't you ever fucking follow
through, huh, Mark?
MARK
What the fuck are you talking
about?
STEVEN
Don't give me that. You're not
that stupid. You can't be that
willfully stupid!
(HE tries to leave. MARK
tries to stop him,
blocking his way.
STEVEN shoves MARK, and
they
grapple. STEVE holds on
to MARK for a
long moment. MARK
breaks away, shaken, an
takes a few
steps backward)
STEVEN (CONT'D)
Goodbye, Mark. Good luck with your
girl.
(STEVEN EXITS. LIGHTS DOWN)
END OF PLAY
HARD TO GET
___________
A Play in One Act
by
Judy Klass
463 44th Street
Brooklyn, New York 11220
(718) 437-0430
JudyKwrites@aol.com
Cast of Characters
Mark: A junior editor at a small publishing
house. He is very good-looking, twenty-
something, a straight guy with an easy-going,
slightly working-class sensibility
and sense of humor. He is smart but not really
introspective -- sometimes
willfully obtuse.
Steven: A former employee of the same publishing
house. He is a gay, more articulate man
around the same age: ironic, sarcastic,
somewhat bitter. His crush on MARK is not
particularly well- disguised.
Scene
The office of the small press.
Time
The Present.