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Main
Scripted Improv
SCENE: A barren stage.
AT RISE: A enters, and she warily circles B.
He looks her over.
A
Hello.
B
Who are you?
A
I dunno. Who are you?
B
You decide first.
A
The acting teacher said we'd figure
out who we are, and what the
relationship was, as we went along.
B
So?
A
One of us makes a choice, and the
other one accepts it, builds on it.
B
So, choose.
A
(crossing her arms)
You choose.
B
Oh, for pity's sake. At least give
me a hint.
A
Well. I've got something you want.
B
You do?
A
Uh huh.
B
What is it?
A
(she shrugs)
I dunno. But the teacher said "A
has something and B wants it."
That's the basis of this improv.
B
And you're A.
A
I'm pretty sure I'm A. I can't
remember.
B
Well, what is it that you have that
I want?
A
That's for me to know, and you to
find out.
B
Well then, maybe that's what I
want. Information. About who you
are, and who I am, and what it is
you've got that's so valuable.
A
I don't know . . .
B
Maybe that's my objective here.
A
(skeptical)
Your objective is to learn your
objective? Isn't that like that
animal that eats its own tail?
B
What animal?
A
You know. It's got a name like a
tuberose, or a marmoset, or a
blunderbuss . . .
B
A marmoset doesn't eat its own
tail.
A
I'm just saying. You can't have an
improv about an improv. That's too
abstract.
B
(he turns on the charm)
What if this is not just an improv?
What if this is kismet? Fate?
A
What if you're my kid brother, and
you want to borrow my -- watch?
B
(annoyed)
Why am I your kid brother?
A
'Cause you were coming to these
other conclusions too rapidly.
B
I thought whoever establishes
something, we just go with it.
A
You weren't establishing something,
you were philosophizing -- and
coming on to me.
B
Well, you were flirting with me.
A
Very mildly. More like bantering.
B
(leering)
Hey, I'm easy. I'll take any cues
I can get. And at least this
solves the problem of what you have
that I want.
A
And it solves the problem of how
the improv will end.
B
It does?
A
I've got to reject you.
B
Why?
A
Well, we can't end up screwing on
stage, can we? And we are on
stage, in case you hadn't noticed.
Ergo, B must fail to achieve his
objective.
B
(glum)
Great.
A
Hey, if you don't like it, be my
kid brother and try for the
wristwatch. You might actually get
that.
B
No, thanks just the same.
(They glower at each
other)
A
Well, you'd better come up with
something else then, pretty
quickly. Or else they're going to
just scrap both of us.
B
What if I don't want to end up
screwing on-stage? I just met you.
Maybe I'm shy. Maybe all I want is
a kiss.
A
Why would you want to blackmail me
into kissing you? Put a gun to my
head like that?
B
Who's got a gun to your head?
A
Please. They'll pull the plug
unless we choose a scenario, and
you say it has to be a kiss?
B
(shrugs)
You can still reject me, can't you?
I'm just following my impulses.
Maybe I like you, okay? Maybe I'm
a romantic guy.
A
Will you look around you, please?
Will you look at this situation?
We're a couple of lab rats being
experimented on. We're performing
seals. What's romantic about that?
B
So, I'm an exhibitionist.
A
I'm not.
B
Then I think you just might be in
the wrong profession.
A
I can play an exhibitionist if I
have to. I can lose myself in a
role. I'm not playing one now,
that's all. I'm playing a cautious
woman, who isn't fooled by some
glib line.
B
God, you're so negative. All your
character choices are negative.
A
And your character is shaping up as
a thoughtless, dishonest smoothie.
Me, I'd rather be negative.
(Again they glower)
B
So. I guess this means the kiss is
out, right?
A
(exasperated)
Ugh! Okay, so why do you want a
kiss?
B
(hands in the air)
It's just the thing you have that I
want. You won't lose anything if
you give it away.
A
Maybe I'll lose my self-respect,
huh? Ever thought of that? Maybe
the actress playing me would be
uncomfortable kissing the actor
playing you, on or off-stage, and
doesn't appreciate being maneuvered
into this position.
B
Maybe the actress playing you is
paranoid, and too uptight to ever
be a real actress.
A
Oh, because she doesn't want to
kiss the actor playing you?
B
Because she freezes up every time a
role calls for her to take a risk --
A
This is improv --
B
Because her choices in any scene or
any theater game are mimsy and
mousey and safe. And that doesn't
make for exciting theater.
A
Go fuck yourself.
B
I would, if I thought the scene
required it. If my instincts told
me that that's what would get
through to the audience and move
them, I'd make love to myself on
stage in a minute.
A
I'm sure you've had plenty of
practice.
B
(he begins to strip)
Here. Let me show you what it
means for an actor to be
comfortable with his body, with his
sexuality.
A
Stop it. Button up again, my God.
B
I'll take it all off, and then you
can talk to me about what can or
cannot happen on-stage, or how I'm
trying to make you too vulnerable --
A
Stop it! Cut it out. This is
harassment!
B
(stops)
You think I'm harassing you by
taking my clothes off?
A
Yes.
B
See, that's where you're wrong.
I'm exploiting me, not you. And if
someone out there likes my body, or
my chutzpah, and I get a role from
this, then great. My body is an
instrument. I use my instrument to
practice my craft. I use my looks,
I use my voice, I use my charm.
Half of it is being a geisha girl
and seducing the audience, and half
of it is one of the purest art
forms around. But you'll never
know anything about that, because
the actress playing you thinks too
much, and wrings her hands over the
ethics of every emotional leap, and
she is not comfortable with her
body as her instrument. So she
will never transcend it.
A
Because she doesn't want to kiss
the actor playing you.
B
Because she's more aware of the
actor playing me than she is of the
scene we are creating right now.
A
Bull. There's a whole sexual
politics side to this you're
ignoring. It's easy for you to say
you're a geisha girl or a
prostitute or whatever -- you'll
probably never be called upon to
play one, you don't get offered a
million nude roles, you don't have
directors and co-stars of the
opposite sex leering at you, trying
to cop a feel on or off-stage or on
or off-camera. The scripts are
mostly written by people like you,
for people like you.
B
As in men?
A
As in men. And people like me just
bounce through, and try to kid
ourselves that we're playing three
dimensional characters.
B
You've obviously got a lot of
issues about this.
A
I have issues. I watch my back.
That doesn't make me a safe or
lousy actress.
B
You've lost all sense of the
character being different from
yourself.
A
You've kicked any sense of that
from here to kingdom come.
B
Well, I'm sorry.
A
Well, I don't really care.
B
Can we make that the thing I want?
A
What?
B
Your forgiveness. I apologize for
implying that you're a poor actress
because you wouldn't kiss me in an
improv.
A
You didn't imply it. You shouted
it at the back row.
B
I'm asking you to accept my
apology. And then we can get off
stage, and just forget the whole
thing.
A
Why must you try to coerce
everything? A kiss, or forgiveness
--
B
I'm not coercing, I'm -- I'm
saying, I'm sorry, I hurt your
feelings. I give up. So just
accept my apology, and we'll have
done what we set out to do, and we
can pick up our marbles and go
home.
A
You didn't hurt my feelings. You
impugned my talent.
B
Whatever.
A
Why can't the improv end with B not
getting what he wants from A?
B
Fine. Then end it like that, in
some decisive way. Hit me, or come
eyeball to eyeball and say "heh!"
or something. And it will be clear
that B screwed up, and A's a
heartless bitch, and they can go
their separate ways.
A
I don't want to hit you . . .
B
(shouting)
Then do something!
A
(shouting back)
Okay! I accept your apology. And,
you know what? Here.
(she blows him a kiss)
That's the best I can do, all
right?
(staring around the room)
Can we stop now? Would someone put
the two of us out of our misery?
B
You didn't mean either. The
apology or the kiss. You weren't
sincere.
A
Since when are you after sincerity?
B
Sincerity is everything. To a real
actor.
(Fed up, A hits B)
B (cont'd)
Ow!
(A pummels B, trips B,
pulls his hair, steps on
his foot, etc. B
continues to holler.
Panting, A drags B off
stage, looking around
defiantly)
A
Okay? How's this? Is this sincere
enough? Have I taken enough risks?
Has my character grown and changed,
huh? Have I learned enough as
actress? This scene is over, and I
am out of here!
(She pulls him off-stage.
LIGHTS DOWN)
END OF PLAY