Biography
Music
Stageplays
Screenplays
Poetry
Novels
Short Stories
Gallery
News
Links
Contact
Main
The Curmudgeon
FADE IN:
EXT. MARINA DEL REY -- DAWN
Magic hour. There is a fog on the beach, and the waves come
crashing in. We see a small apartment complex in the mist;
the upper level is almost all glass.
Amidst this beautiful, open space, we hear AL's voice:
AL (V.O.)
Interior. Basement -- Night. Mark
pries open the door, and rakes the
walls with his flashlight. He
reaches out and flicks the light
switch; it doesn't work.
We MOVE IN on the building, as we hear his hands tapping on
his computer keyboard. He hits the wrong key, and we hear
the computer make a warning "boop" noise.
AL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Fuck. Okay, "save." May I
continue? Thanks so much.
(back to writing)
Mark makes his way down the stairs.
The flashlight reveals the cobwebs,
and dirt, and dust that coat the
basement, and shows its cramped,
claustrophobic proportions.
We are close enough now, that we see him, sitting in the
upstairs window of this glass house, glancing every now and
then at the magnificent view beyond his computer.
INT. AL'S APARTMENT -- DAWN
AL CASTOR continues typing and talking. He is a reasonably
good-looking, unpretentious guy in his early forties. He
wears only his BVDs as he works.
The room is messy, the desk cluttered and the walls are lined
with bookcases, full of books. There is a half-eaten English
muffin and a carton of orange juice on the desk beside him.
There are framed old film posters: Charles Laughton's "Night
of the Hunter," and the Bogart film "In a Lonely Place."
And a theater poster: for Moliére's play "The Misanthrope" --
Al's life story, basically. The ocean rolls before Al,
through the huge windows.
Otto, a large, old, moth-eaten cat, sitting on a beat-up
couch at the back of the room, watches Al.
AL
Mark's flashlight at last picks out
Warren, in the corner of the
cellar, holding a revolver. He
points it at Mark, who gasps. No.
(he takes out the word)
Mark cries out, almost drops the
flashlight. Warren smiles. Speaks
softly: "You thought it was a
suicide/murder, didn't you, Mark?
Not a double homicide. But neither
of them would have had the guts.
This, Mark. This is what suicide
looks like." Warren turns the
revolver around, lifts it, puts it
in his own mouth. He pulls the
trigger. Mark closes his eyes.
His face is sprayed with blood.
Blackout. End of film.
Al stares at the screen. Hits "save." He swivels around,
slaps his hands on his hips, and speaks to his cat.
AL (CONT'D)
And that, Otto, is the last rewrite
I hope to God I ever have to do on
this thing. Not a better ending,
not a worse ending . . .
His PHONE RINGS. He glares at it. He lets the answering
machine pick up. His recorded message is curt.
AL (ON MACHINE) (CONT'D)
This is Al Castor. Speak.
We HEAR the voice of Al's friend PIERS LITEMAN. Al
continues to glare balefully at the machine.
PIERS
Hey, Al. Pick up. What are you,
out romping on the beach? It's
dawn, for God's sake. Pick up the
goddamned phone. Fine, be that
way, listen, meet me in the gym at
nine, okay? We're gonna get you a
fitness workout regimen that's
gonna change your whole life.
You'll love it, guy. Trust me.
Al picks up a crumpled pair of running shorts, throws them
over the machine.
INT. GYM FITNESS ROOM -- DAY
Al is on a running machine. All the equipment is state-of
the-art, and all the patrons of the gym are rich.
Al does not work out regularly; he's panting, ready to quit.
He glances, somewhat bemused, somewhat resentfully at . . .
PIERS LITEMAN, bouncing on a similar machine, to the beat of
the walkman plugged into his ears. He is singing along, and
admiring his physique in the full-length mirror before him.
INT. GYM LOCKER ROOM -- DAY
The two guys have showered, are mostly dressed, and are
climbing into their shoes and socks.
PIERS
God, it's a good feeling! I just
feel so refreshed, so cleansed.
It's almost a kind of spiritual
renewal, you know?
AL
Self-love can be a heady
experience.
PIERS
What?
AL
Onan. He's a Biblical character.
PIERS
Don't follow you.
AL
Or Narcissus in the myth. If you
gaze into that mirror too much, you
might fall in, the way he did.
PIERS
Well, you keep working out, and
maybe eventually you'll have a body
you'll want to admire. And so will
other people.
They pick up their bags and head out.
AL
Uh uh Body sculpting ain't for me.
I'm here on doctor's orders, that's
it.
INT. GYM -- DAY
They are nearing the front entrance/exit, enclosed by glass.
AL
I'm telling you, Piers --
A man entering as they are leaving stops cold, stares at
Piers.
MAN
Piers? Piers Liteman?
Piers does a quick double-take, but recovers nicely.
PIERS
Oh -- hey!
The man throws open his arms, and they embrace and air kiss.
The man gives Piers several solid whacks on the back.
MAN
This is so unbelievable!
PIERS
(Grinning)
I know, how you been?
MAN
Oh, I'm great, I'm doing great!
How long has it been since --
PIERS
Too long.
MAN
We've got to have you out to the
house.
PIERS
Definitely.
MAN
You'll love what we've done with
it. And I've got a script you're
going to love. Maybe we can take a
meeting?
Piers manages to disengage himself, and he and Al continue
out the door. Piers calls back:
PIERS
Absolutely! Call me!
EXT. GYM -- DAY
There is a circular drive; it's a beautiful day in Los
Angeles. Palm trees and flowering trees surround the
building.
Al signals to the valet to get his car.
AL
Who the hell was that?
PIERS
Damned if I know.
Al's reaction is so strong, it attracts the attention of
those walking by them.
AL
What?!
PIERS
I probably know him, I can't place
the face.
AL
Let me get this straight. Some guy
comes up to you, you embrace him,
tell him how much you've missed
him, and practically have sex with
him in public --
PIERS
Ssshhh, take it easy --
AL
And he's a fucking stranger?
PIERS
Look, I meet a lot of people, okay?
Maybe I was trashed at a party
sometime, and we hung out --
The car pulls up. It is not a very new or impressive
vehicle.
AL
Maybe.
Al tips the valet, gets in on the driver's side, Piers on the
passenger's side.
INT. CAR -- DAY
Al pulls away from the gym.
AL
Or, maybe he's never met you
before, and he just knows you're at
the studio --
PIERS
It's possible. It would take a lot
of balls --
AL
He's a desperate man with a lot of
balls who's going to call you now --
PIERS
So, he'll send me his screenplay.
And I won't read it. I'll know who
the hell he is when I get it. End
of story.
EXT. RODEO DRIVE -- DAY
Al's battered car looks out of place, driving along.
INT. CAR -- DAY
Piers wants to restore a light, good-humored tone.
PIERS
See, this is your problem, you go
way up in the air over --
AL
I expect people to behave honestly.
I see an artificial movietown
ballet like that, and I just want
to --
PIERS
It's not like I committed a capital
offense.
AL
Well, I think you did. I think you
should be taken out and shot for
that little performance.
PIERS
You gotta take it easier, guy, I'm
telling you as a friend --
AL
Yeah, are you as much my friend as
that guy's?
PIERS
Skip it.
(a beat)
So. Where we going for lunch?
AL
Café Le Something French.
PIERS
Any good?
AL
Dunno. It's not my choice.
PIERS
Whose?
AL
Told you. Gotta meet this kid.
PIERS
What's his name?
AL
Brett Orrenstein.
PIERS
Hey. You mean the son of --
AL
Yeah.
PIERS
Well, hey, that's great. And he
wants you to work on a project? Is
he at the studio? I didn't hear --
AL
Nope. He wants to be a
screenwriter. This month. And his
daddy wants me to hear his brand
new idea for a screenplay.
PIERS
That's great. This is a really
good way for you to cement the
relationship, because aren't we
developing that --
AL
Yup.
PIERS
And you're really interested in --
AL
Yup.
PIERS
So, you should be happy.
AL
(after a beat)
What if it sucks?
PIERS
What if what sucks?
AL
The kid's script?
PIERS
Well, go easy on him. He's just a
kid.
AL
He's twenty-six.
PIERS
He's Herb Orrenstein's son. Find
something to like in his script and
save the viciousness for your
friends and your students.
AL
I'm not vicious to my students.
But I don't bullshit them, either.
PIERS
I'm saying, hold off on the
Hemingway tough love, just this one
time. Hmm?
Al shakes his head as he pulls into a parking space.
AL
I told his father I didn't want to
do this.
INT. A BEAUTIFUL CAFÉ -- AFTERNOON
Al and Piers sit at a table with a beaming Brett Orrenstein.
He is sweet, with an open and engaging manner. His clothes
are beautiful and expensive. He is a very young twenty-six.
BRETT
I don't really have a screenplay
yet. Just a concept. Well. It's,
like, somewhere between a concept
and, like, a full treatment. I
guess you could call it a pitch.
AL
You know, sometimes it's better to
play these things close to the
chest. I mean, when I'm working on
a new screenplay, an original idea?
I try not to talk about it too
much. I'm scared it might -- take
away my momentum, you know what I
mean?
BRETT
Oh, but that won't happen! I've
already told lots of people about
it, and I'm still excited about it,
and they were really into it also.
But, Mr. Castor, you're, like, the
first real big-name writer I have
pitched this to, and I am so
psyched that you were willing to
meet with me on this!
AL
You can call me Al.
BRETT
Like the song, right?
He and Piers laugh.
BRETT (CONT'D)
I mean, I love your films so much,
and I cannot believe that you and I
are going to be friends now!
AL
Easy, kid. You just met me. Maybe
I'll turn out to be a total a-hole,
and you won't want to be friends
with me at all.
BRETT
Oh, but I'm sure --
AL
Let's, you know. Let's see if we
hit it off.
Piers laughs nervously, to cover for Al's brusqueness.
PIERS
That's Al Castor for you! Guess
you've heard he's not exactly Mr.
Warm and Fuzzy!
BRETT
Oh, but that's what I love.
That's, like, what gives your
movies that gritty film noir kind
of vibe, that's what makes them so
real. You're right -- Al. Let's
let the friendship and the, the
mentorship grow over time. Okay?
AL
(nonplussed)
Sure, whatever.
BRETT
(bouncing in his seat,
almost)
Okay, so can I pitch my concept to
you now?
AL
You sure you want to --
BRETT
Yes, yes, yes --
AL
I'm a blunt guy, and I've got my
own peculiar tastes, and I say what
I think.
BRETT
I know, you're the last honest man
in Hollywood, and I so totally
respect that, and it's because you
are so real and, like, authentic,
that I said I had to have this
meeting with you. Please, please,
please let me pitch to you!
AL
(shrugs)
Batter up.
BRETT
(self-conscious, grinning)
Okay, um, here goes. Okay. Here's
the pitch. And, like, keep in mind
that this is a work in progress,
okay?
AL
Sure.
BRETT
Okay. Here's the pitch . . . By
the way, I see this as a possible
project for Jade Merrill, like, a
comeback film for her? With a
young guy opposite her, Matt Damon
or Ben Affleck? Okay. So, here's
the pitch. Ready?
AL
Fire away.
BRETT
Okay. Oh, and I maybe haven't
spent enough time developing all
the --
AL
Just spit it out.
BRETT
Um, okay, sure. So, there's this
beautiful older actress. Not too
old. Attractive.
But she's getting passed over for
movie roles, right? And her love
life isn't going too good.
PIERS
That's really smart, to set it
here. Hollywood loves films about
itself.
BRETT
It does, doesn't it? So, she's
really down on herself, and she
decides to take a self-defense
course to, like, empower herself.
And the sensei is this young guy,
and they fall in love. And it
turns out, see, that he used to be
insecure and have self-doubts also.
But then, he was in intensive
therapy, and he learned to share
his feelings with others, and he
learned to believe in himself.
Al can't believe what he's hearing, and does not know what to
say. He would like to exchange a significant look with
Piers, but Piers only smiles at Brett.
PIERS
I like how you have both an
internal conflict in the character,
and an external conflict. You
know, like, will they get together?
BRETT
Exactly. So, he helps her explore
that stuff, karate or whatever,
plus, like, inner growth and
evolving, he's her teacher and
shaman. But she also teaches him
about the ways of love, as only an
older woman can. And when she
really loves herself and
understands herself, he writes and
produces her big comeback movie.
(grinning)
What do you think?
PIERS
I think you've really tapped some
themes that haven't been explored
in a while. You've got the Star Is
Born thing going on, you've got the
Mrs. Robinson thing --
BRETT
(ignoring him)
But Mr. Castor, Al, what do you
think of it? Huh?
Al puts his hand up.
AL
Check!
EXT. VENICE BEACH -- AFTERNOON
The three men walk along. Bladers whizz by. There is a
juggler entertaining crowds. Young men carry their colorful
surfboards.
AL
I like seeing the characters who
show up here. I like the gimmicks
to make money. I'm not into the
diehard exhibitionists, you know?
People who just live to be a freak,
or a type you expect to run into on
Venice Beach?
BRETT
But you still haven't told me what
you think of my concept.
AL
See, this is what you should do,
Brett, if you want to be a writer.
Just sit here with a notepad and
watch the people go by, and invent
histories for them. Are they
married? Single? Were they born
in LA? How often do they get laid?
Do they have any insight into
themselves? Will their lives go
someplace, or fizzle miserably?
Just develop that ability to think
about other people, other lives, to
put yourself in their heads --
BRETT
But what about my concept right
now? You promised!
AL
(sighs)
Well, Brett, I'll tell you what I
told a kid I was talking to who
wanted to be a screenwriter. I
told him: it's a thankless job.
Little credit, no visibility. No
real glamor, not as much money as
there is in, say, production. And
he'd grown up watching so much TV,
he kind of saw things in a TV way.
So, I said, if that's the medium
you're most comfortable with --
BRETT
Are you saying my concept is too
formulaic to be a motion picture?
AL
I'm not saying that. I'm telling
you what I told this guy I happened
to talk to.
BRETT
(smiling)
Oh. Okay.
AL
I told him: maybe you could start
out in TV, get your feet wet, see
if maybe you're more comfortable
there. Because there's nothing
worse than the sappy, predictable
shit that the studios are churning
out these days that never should
have made it onto the big screen --
Piers fakes a coughing fit.
BRETT
Are you okay?
AL
He's fine. Shut up, Piers. All
the thin, precious, one-note dramas
and comedies the assembly-line is
asking the public to pay ten bucks
to see at a local theater --
BRETT
(hurt, bewildered)
You're saying my concept is thin,
and one-note?
AL
No, I'm not saying that. I'm --
okay, so maybe I am saying that.
PIERS
(to Brett)
You know, he's famous for this. He
feels obligated to do this to
people now, he has such a
reputation for being a curmudgeon.
I think we'd all be disappointed if
he didn't --
AL
Shut up, Piers.
(to Brett)
I'm saying that if you want to make
a film about Hollywood, and an
actress who's been chewed up and
spat out -- that's almost
interesting. But then really show
that. Piers is right, this town
does like films about itself,
satirizing itself, but for God's
sake don't make a film about
Hollywood with a Hollywood ending!
BRETT
Why not?
They are walking past various odd performers: a man juggling
chainsaws; another smashing bottles on a blanket, and then
lying down amid the glass shards.
AL
Because if you set out to really
expose something, then -- For
example, in Sunset Boulevard --
BRETT
(proudly)
I've seen that. I've seen the
movie once, and the musical twice.
AL
From the opening shot, with him
face down in the pool, we know
we're not in for a happy ending.
That's not what we're there for.
And then what's next -- the chimp's
funeral? It's pathetic, grotesque.
And we know that he's going to
replace the chimp in her life.
It's 1950, and Billy Wilder is
essentially making a film about
William Holden being Gloria
Swanson's male whore. If we could
take that much gritty reality back
then, why do we need soft soap now?
BRETT
But my character isn't in it for
the money. He truly loves her.
EXT. THE SANTA MONICA PIER -- AFTERNOON
They have wandered here, from Venice. They walk along as
fishermen cast their lines, people frolic in the surf behind
them, and guys on surfboards ride the curl.
AL
Yes, but everything in this town,
every relationship, is influenced
by money. And there aren't any
more roles for older women now than
there were back then. And if she's
screwing a much younger man, it's
got to be in part because she can't
accept growing older, she's
desperate to get hold of some of
his youth.
BRETT
Do you think that about older men
with much younger women?
AL
Absolutely. And I tell them so to
their face.
PIERS
(head in hand)
It's true, he does.
AL
The question is this. Do you want
to crank out a cartoon fantasy, or
do you want to make a film that's
real?
They stand still now, and face each other.
BRETT
I want to make an inspirational
love story about two people on a
spiritual quest.
AL
I can't help you. I don't know
from that.
BRETT
That's why we should write it
together!
AL
What?
BRETT
It'll be so cool, because you'll
make it all gritty, and I'll give
it that spiritual flavor. I
actually do have pretty good
commercial instincts. And I'll
learn about screenwriting, and the
studio can get a sense of what
you're like when you collaborate,
and then maybe --
PIERS
(meaningfully)
That sounds like a really good
arrangement. Al, you may want to
take some time to think about this
one.
AL
It's out of the question.
BRETT
Why? You've already got so many
ideas.
AL
We couldn't work together. I
understand the tone of what you
want to do, and I can't do it, and
I don't want to try.
BRETT
But if we --
AL
I can't write that shit!
Brett is hurt and offended, and not as sweet and engaging
anymore.
BRETT
A lot of people I've talked to
really admire this concept.
AL
I'm sure they do. You should write
it with them.
BRETT
My father warned me about you.
It's why the studio doesn't know if
it wants you taking over the Civil
War script.
AL
Well, you run home and tell your
dad everything the mean, bad man
said to you. But I cannot help you
write this script. And I'd be
doing you a disservice if I
pretended that I could. I honestly
told you what I thought.
BRETT
(sarcastic)
Thanks for sharing.
AL
Not at all.
The kids storms, off. Piers looks at Al, exasperated.
Al smiles, gives him the finger, steps down off the pier and
walks off down the beach.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE -- AFTERNOON
This is a fancy private clinic, with beautiful art on the
walls. The women who wait (there are only a few) are of
varying ages, but all are immaculately groomed.
DORIA ROCHESTER sits in a chair leafing through Vogue. She
is in her fifties and has had many face lifts.
She looks up as JADE MERRILL comes out of the doctor's inner
office. Jade is a very beautiful, smart, vivacious actress
in her late thirties or early forties. She freezes; she is
not pleased to see Doria. She recovers.
DORIA
Jade! Darling!
She rises. They embrace and air kiss. Both glue on smiles.
JADE
Doria, honey, how are you?
DORIA
Good, how are you, what brings you
here? Why are you seeing Dr.
Rashad?
JADE
Oh . . .
(waves her hand vaguely)
Just . . . general questions and
. . . stuff. How about you?
DORIA
You know, I'm here for the same
thing!
JADE
No kidding.
DORIA
Just general questions and
conversation. But you look so
well, sweetheart. Tanned. And a
little plumper -- but then I hear
you've been entertaining a lot
lately.
JADE
Mmm. Yes, I have. In fact, I'm
hosting a big party tonight.
Inviting most everyone I know.
Excuse me, Doria.
She leaves.
INT. PEDICURIST'S -- AFTERNOON
Soft music plays: "Theme from a Summer Place," perhaps.
Dogs, mostly poodles, in different sizes and colors, sculpted
like French hedges, sit obediently, panting, in a row.
Jade enters and descends lovingly on a white toy poodle.
JADE
There you are, Genevieve! Let
Mommy see!
She lifts a paw and inspects the nails.
JADE
Oh my. Ross really did a beautiful
job.
She gathers the dog up in her arms, and walks out, still
talking to it:
JADE
Who's going to have the loveliest
nails at the party, hmm? Who's
going to be the belle of the ball?
EXT. JADE'S HOUSE -- LATE AFTERNOON
It's a beautiful estate in a canyon colony. Jade drives up
in an Italian sports car. Genevieve sits next to her,
panting. As Jade climbs out, TINA and MITCH come down the
steps to greet her.
Tina is Jade's high school friend, who often stays with her --
mousy and non-threatening. Mitch is a gay friend and also a
frequent houseguest.
TINA
Hey, hon!
They each kiss Jade. Mitch lifts out Genevieve.
JADE
Hey.
TINA
(inspecting)
Ross did a really nice job on
Genevieve's nails.
They are walking toward the house.
JADE
Didn't he, though? But I don't
like the smell of this shampoo.
MITCH
How were things at the doctor's?
JADE
Ugh! Don't ask!
MITCH
Really? Is something wrong?
JADE
No, Dr. Rashad's a sweetheart,
everything's fine. No, but guess
who I ran into in the waiting room
afterward?
MITCH
Try me.
JADE
The evil Doria Rochester. Again!
Does she follow me around? How
does she do it?
They climb the steps.
TINA
Who's Doria?
JADE
This Beverly Hills matron from
hell. She made maybe one picture,
decades ago, or one soda
commercial. Why, why, why doesn't
she go back to Orange County, where
she belongs?
INT. JADE'S HOUSE -- LATE AFTERNOON
They enter the airy, sunny, tastefully decorated house.
There are vases, wicker furniture, and southwestern art in
muted colors.
JADE
Her husband doesn't want her, he's
screwing around, she knows it,
everybody knows it, but she
persists in staying --
MITCH
Ah, Jade --
Jade catches his cause of concern.
JADE
Oh. Don't worry, Mitch. I've
known Tina since high school. She
won't be shocked by all my
gossiping -- hell, she's the one
who taught me how to do it.
TINA
See, and you didn't believe that
Mrs. Baxter and Mr. Peepleton had a
thing going on, all during senior
year --
JADE
Hey, I still don't want to believe
it.
MITCH
So, what did the evil Doria have to
say for herself?
JADE
That I'm fat, but it must be
because I'm entertaining so much.
Hell, someday she's going to
disappear completely up the
liposuction tube! And then she
will be missed by precisely no one.
Genevieve barks.
JADE
Oh, honey. Oh, she wants to go
out, but she's all clean for the
party --
TINA
I'll take her out for a while. I
just love walking around the
canyon.
JADE
Great. Just be careful, don't let
her out of your sight . . .
Tina smiles, presses her arm, leads the dog out. Mitch and
Jade wait till they are alone.
JADE
Okay, so tell the truth. How fat
am I?
MITCH
You're as thin as a rail.
JADE
I'm a house, right? I'm Orca, the
Killer Whale?
MITCH
You're a stick insect!
JADE
You're just saying that.
MITCH
You're skin and bone. You're
wasting away.
She puts a hand on his face.
JADE
Thanks, Mitch. You're very sweet.
EXT. CAR -- EARLY EVENING
Al's battered car makes its way over winding canyon roads.
INT. CAR -- EARLY EVENING
Once again, Al drives, and Piers sits beside him. They have
dressed up a bit, for Jade's party.
PIERS
Boy. Boy, did you blow that one,
my friend. Boy, did you blow it
wide open --
AL
Piers, why do you persist in this
delusion that I am your friend? Am
I not hostile enough to you?
Is that it? Do I not insult you
often enough? How rude do I have
to be?
PIERS
Well, you're giving me a lift.
That's friendly.
AL
Only because you have smashed up
yet another sports car. I was
thinking, if I decided to get
stinking drunk tonight, that you
could be my designated driver. But
how many cars have you gone
through?
PIERS
Since when?
AL
Let's say the last three years.
PIERS
Just three. Well, four if you
count --
AL
On second thought, I'll sip ginger
ale all night, and do without the
designated driver. But if we break
down in the hills of the canyon,
maybe I'll let you get out and
push.
PIERS
I'm good at fighting off wild
coyotes.
AL
I'll bet you are.
PIERS
So, why are you angry at me?
AL
Why should I be angry at an
insignificant, pusillanimous worm?
PIERS
You love me. Admit it.
AL
I just wonder if you could go for
one day, living as an honest,
honorable man.
PIERS
What do you mean?
AL
Do you really not know? Are you so
immersed and imbued and seething
with insincerity, with fawning on
the rich and well-connected, that
you've forgotten that there might
be any other way to live? Do you
think it's possible that you might
live one whole day of your life
without --
PIERS
Now, hold on, guy. This is
starting to sound like the plot of
a really lame sit-com episode. Or
a sequel to Liar, Liar. Huh? Is
that what you're angling to write?
AL
I have had it with flattery, and
hierarchy, and kissing up. This
town is a feudal society, and we're
all frigging serfs --
PIERS
You know, people laugh when you go
into this routine --
AL
It's not a routine!
PIERS
But keep it up, and they won't find
it so cute anymore, and they're
gonna pay you back with just as
much nastiness --
AL
Good. I hate the human race enough
at this point that if they're
starting to hate me back, then I
say: bring it on!
PIERS
You hate mankind now?
AL
Well. Everything that goes
swanning through this neck of the
woods, anyhow.
EXT. JADE'S BACK GARDEN - EARLY EVENING
This is the loveliest part of the house. There is a small
swimming pool, a pool house, a gazebo, and a garden full of
flowering plants.
Al follows Jade as she wanders through the plants, cutting
stems and gathering flowers to set out at her party.
AL
So.
JADE
So?
AL
So, I've had it with you. I think
we'd better break things off.
JADE
Of course you do, sweetiepie.
AL
I mean it, Jade. After tonight, I
think it's best if we don't see
each other anymore.
JADE
Hold these.
(shoves some flowers in
his hands)
You can be my helper, and scold me
while I work. What have I done
now?
AL
You can do whatever you like --
JADE
Oh, thank you.
AL
But I'm not a party person. The
only way I see you nowadays is
mixing and mingling.
JADE
Like now?
AL
Like twenty minutes from now, when
you'll be hostess in overdrive, and
I'll get to wave at you across the
yard every now and then.
JADE
If you stopped being such a
sourpuss, you could meet some nice
people at this party. Interesting
people, and people with influence
on projects that might concern
you --
AL
So, will you list this party as a
tax write-off, then? Is it
"strictly business"?
JADE
Shut up. I enjoy entertaining. I
also enjoy matchmaking and
dealmaking. I hope lots of good
things happen, for me and my guests
at my parties. Simple.
Moves to snip flowers from the branch of a tree.
JADE
Who are you going to the awards
dinner with?
AL
Um. You, I thought.
JADE
Uh uh. I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm
going with Bear.
AL
(disbelieving)
Bear Bernard?
JADE
Yeah.
AL
Why the hell are you going with
him?
JADE
He's promoting his new movie, Siege
Town, right? So, his people want
him out in public more with women.
And since I wouldn't mind a part in
Siege Town II --
AL
You're kidding me.
JADE
What -- he's a nice guy, it's easy
money. Anyhow, it's mutually
beneficial for us to go together.
But you 'n me can hang out at the
party afterwards, I promise.
AL
Oh, lucky me!
JADE
You should ask Brie. She needs
someone to go with.
AL
Stop orchestrating my life for me.
JADE
She likes you, you know.
AL
Brie? So what?
JADE
She's a nice kid. I don't know
what she sees in you.
AL
She is a nice kid. I wish I could
like her. Unfortunately for me, I
am stuck head over heels in love
with a flaky Hollywood minx, and in
order to see the woman I love, I
have to line up and take a number.
JADE
(teasing)
Who are you jealous of? Hmm?
AL
Everyone. This guy Mitch is always
underfoot --
JADE
(amused, ironic)
Oh, yeah, you better be worried
about Mitch. Him and Bear, they're
really putting the moves on me.
AL
If the studio decided that it was
good PR for Bear to fuck a woman,
live, on national television, to
shore up his image, I'm sure you'd
volunteer if it meant a part in --
JADE
(angry)
Oh, shut up, you crude, pathetic --
AL
Well, it's all about career moves,
isn't it?
She heads into the house, and he follows her.
INT. JADE'S HOUSE -- EARLY EVENING
Some surfaces have been cleared, and some refreshments have
been set out. Jade turns on Al, very forcefully.
JADE
Why the hell did I invite you? Why
do I put up with this shit? You're
going to throw some big tantrum and
spoil the evening, aren't you?
She arranges her flowers in a vase, and roughly takes the
flowers he holds from him to arrange them in another.
AL
This is what I mean, that we're
headed for a breakup. When you
won't even publicly acknowledge
that we're seeing each other, when
you won't stop seeing other
people --
JADE
Who am I seeing?
AL
Everyone. A bunch of simpering,
insincere bootlickers who want a
piece of you and are unworthy of
you.
JADE
Oh, and only you are worthy --
AL
As it happens, yes.
The doorbell RINGS.
AL
Great. Here we go.
JADE
Saved by the bell.
We hear Tina call from off screen:
TINA (O.S.)
I've got it!
JADE
(calling back)
Thanks Tina!
We hear Genevieve BARKING, and Tina greeting some people. Al
glares at Jade, who glares back, and tells him through
clenched teeth:
JADE
If you don't behave tonight, I
swear to God, I am going to break --
But she cuts herself off as her first guests enter the room.
Her whole manner changes; she is now smiling, relaxed, warm
and her voice becomes musical:
JADE
Hi, how are you, I'm so glad you
could make it out here
(embracing the couple, one
at a time)
And I think you know Al Castor?
The screenwriter? He's one of the
early birds!
Al manages a wan smile, and a little wave.
EXT. JADE'S BACK GARDEN -- EVENING
Several hours have passed. There is a barbecue going, and
there are jacketed waiters passing among the guests, lifting
trays aloft.
People lounge in chairs by the garden, lounge by the fountain
and pool, talking and drinking. Perhaps we recognize some of
them as famous actors and directors. SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.
Al sits off by himself, sipping a drink, looking miserable.
KRYSTAL, a dizzy blonde, pulls up a folding chair and sits
next to him.
KRYSTAL
This spot taken?
Al is surprised, but chooses not to be rude.
AL
No, sure, go ahead.
KRYSTAL
You're a writer, aren't you?
AL
Yup.
KRYSTAL
Wow. That's an amazing thing. You
must be so proud.
AL
(taken aback)
I guess.
KRYSTAL
Somebody told me that you're the
guy who wrote that film about, the
um, the businessman? Who, like,
messes up his company and goes off
and lives in a cave, so --
AL
Yeah, I wrote that one.
KRYSTAL
That was so sad, the way he ended
up.
AL
Really? I think of that as the
only happy ending I ever wrote.
Krystal is not sure how to react. At last she laughs.
KRYSTAL
You're funny.
AL
What's your name?
KRYSTAL
Krystal.
AL
And when did you move here?
KRYSTAL
You can tell I'm from out of state?
Um, I moved here three months ago.
I'd like to be an actress.
AL
No kidding.
KRYSTAL
Yeah. I'm from Missouri. I've got
my head shots and everything.
AL
That's great.
KRYSTAL
And I work out three times a week.
I'm staying with these friends at a
beach house in Malibu.
AL
That's nice, that you knew someone
out here.
KRYSTAL
Oh, I didn't, we met on the beach.
But I came with them tonight.
That's how I got to go to a party
at Jade Merrill's house.
(a beat)
Do you know her?
AL
We've met.
KRYSTAL
Can I, like, ask you to tell me
something, honestly?
AL
That's a very dangerous thing to
do. I really wouldn't advise it.
KRYSTAL
Do you think I have a chance to
make it in movies? My acting
teacher thinks maybe I have a
chance for, like, some of the dumb
blonde roles. 'Cause, like, I'm
pretty, right?
AL
Yes. You're very pretty, Krystal.
KRYSTAL
Well, thank you. And I don't mind
those dumb blonde roles, you know?
I'm a good sport about it.
(laughs)
Like, some blondes, they don't even
let you tell jokes about blondes,
they get mad. But not me.
(flirting)
Go ahead. Try me. Tell me a dumb
blonde joke, and see if I get mad.
AL
Well, okay. Since you insist.
(finishes drink)
Did you hear about the blonde
starlet in Hollywood?
KRYSTAL
No.
AL
She slept with the writer.
(getting up)
Excuse me.
He walks away, leaving Krystal to puzzle over his response.
We PAN around the party, observing tipsy and high people
talking and laughing.
We follow Al as he makes his way through the crowd.
We overhear bits of conversation: "No, I do not even want to
try Kaballah, that is so three years ago . . ." and: "I
swear. Every guy in the room was a total Baldwin, except for
the Baldwin . . ."
At the back of the garden is the gazebo, and Jade sits there,
along with Mitch, and Piers, and Tina, and a pretty young
woman named BRIE. Al stands, unnoticed, watching them.
PIERS
But did you see the little blonde
staying at the beach house?
JADE
She looked good to you, huh?
PIERS
Let's say she looks all-American.
Apple-cheeked.
JADE
She let you have a look at her
cheeks? Already?
PIERS
I'm working on it. Bear here yet?
JADE
No, he always bogs down with his
entourage.
MITCH
It's that boy he's seeing. Danny.
Can never get anywhere on time.
JADE
With the fuss Bear makes over him?
MITCH
Unless there's some new talent in
the vicinity . . . Bear is so in
your face when he's hitting on
someone.
JADE
Are you kidding? Bear is smitten
with that kid, Danny. I don't fuss
that much over Genevieve.
The dog comes panting up to her.
JADE
Yes, sweetie, Mommy was talking
about you. Were your ears burning?
BRIE
Is Janice here?
JADE
Oh, God, yes. And she's on some
new kick, talking about this
boutique she wants to open with
someone else's money. But I swear,
I did a double take when she walked
in. I don't know what thing is on
her head, but it's either a fright
wig, or she should get a gun and
shoot her hairdresser.
Mitch and Piers collapse in laughter.
JADE
Absolutely shoot him dead, if he
did that to her.
TINA
How about that thing on that guy
Barry's head, huh?
We follow their gaze, and see an older man, with a bad
toupee, loudly talking and gesticulating by the pool.
JADE
See, now that, I figure, is proof
he already has a gun. That's a
hunting trophy. He just cut the
Davy Crockett tail off.
Again, the others double over with laughter.
JADE
Seriously, some people stuff the
animal's head and hang it on the
wall, others turn the pelt into a
rug. And wear it. It's a matter
of taste.
By now, we are back to watching the folks in the gazebo. Al
takes a step closer, and addresses them.
AL
The hostess with the mostest
strikes again.
They notice him, and sober up. Jade glances around.
JADE
Shit. You're right. Did somebody
hear me?
AL
No one important. Nobody but me.
JADE
But okay, I shouldn't be doing that
to my guests.
AL
Not while they're still here, at
any rate. Usually, you have the
courtesy to wait until we leave
before you start shredding us.
JADE
(rising)
You're right, Al, you win, I'd
better get back to --
AL
Back to what? Back to fawning on
them and hugging them, and telling
them how much you love them?
JADE
Up yours.
AL
(to others)
Why do you let her do this? Why do
you encourage her? Why do you
allow her to turn all her beauty
and insight into venom?
PIERS
Hey, I take responsibility for what
I say, only -- and sometimes not
even that. Not for Jade.
AL
But she didn't used to be this bad.
It takes an audience full of
sycophants --
PIERS
Come on. You have contempt for
these people also, Al.
Who has she insulted that you're
defending right now?
Jade puts up her hands, to stop his reasonable questions.
JADE
Oh, but you've gotta let Al
contradict me, and pick a fight,
Piers. That's what he lives for.
Hell, if he starts a debate and you
agree with him, you know he's just
gonna switch over to the other
side, so he can keep arguing.
AL
No, it's you who switch sides. I'm
consistent. I despise those people
to their face, and behind their
backs. Equally.
JADE
Beautiful.
Jade descends the steps, comes over to him, and wags a finger
in his face.
JADE
Remember. You have been warned.
You know that. Keep this up, and
you'll be bounced out the door, and
you can walk home.
She goes to join her guests, embracing several as they watch.
PIERS
You really know how to charm a
lady, huh, Al?
CUT TO:
ELSEWHERE AT THE
PARTY:
Closer to the house. We track past revelers, overhear more
fragments: "Just return it. Don't wait. Every Pisces I know
who bought one had to return it in the end . . ." and "She's
not just an actress. And a singer. She's a movement."
A cell phone goes off; the RINGING is generic. In a knot of
people, five simultaneously dive for their phones, to examine
them and see if the call is for them.
BEAR BERNARD, a pumped-up action hero, has entered with a
group of men, including a beautiful boy named Danny, and one
bored female model: his ostensible date.
Krystal, the young woman Al spoke to earlier, looks on,
entranced, ready to swoon. She breathes:
KRYSTAL
Oh my God. Oh my God, it's him. I
swear to God, it's Bear Bernard!
She grabs onto the shoulder of a woman standing near her,
shakes it, jumps up and down a little, and half giggles/half
shrieks.
People come up to Bear, shake hands with him, embrace him,
slap him on the back.
MAN
Bear. So good to see you, man. I
hear the film looks great.
BEAR
I just saw the final cut. It looks
pretty good.
MAN
You think you're gonna have a tough
time with Jack Valenti's people?
BEAR
I don't think so, dude. I mean,
yeah, sure, it's violent. But in a
quiet, tasteful way, you know?
Jade comes over, with her arms open. She looks at him
lovingly.
JADE
Bear. I am so glad that you are
here.
BEAR
Jade. Nothing could have kept me
away.
They embrace and kiss rather passionately. Danny and the
female model look away.
CUT TO:
BACK AT THE
GAZEBO:
Al has almost joined the group, leaning on the steps leading
up to the area where they are seated.
MITCH
Cut Jade some slack, Al. She
didn't want to invite all these
people. She had to invite half of
them.
AL
Oh, she had to?
MITCH
Yes. If you love Jade, then accept
that every now and then she lets
off steam by making a joke about
someone. You don't have a monopoly
on satire.
AL
And certainly not on cattiness and
backbiting.
MITCH
If you love her, you'll cut her
some slack,and not be picking her
apart all the time.
Al sits on the gazebo steps.
AL
I disagree. My criticisms prove
that I love her. If I didn't
expect more from her than this kind
of behavior, you could know for
sure that I didn't give a damn.
BRIE
That's not how a person expresses
love.
AL
Oh no?
BRIE
No. If you love someone, you make
allowances for them, you love them
in spite of their flaws.
(she speaks sadly, because
of how she feels about
Al)
You know exactly what's wrong with
them. And you want them to change,
or you want them to get help. And
then you see them again, and all
the resentment just -- melts away.
And their lousiest qualities are
what you find endearing.
AL
(more gently)
Is that how it works, Brie?
BRIE
Yeah. That's how it works.
AL
Well, maybe you're right. Because
I can't defend her behavior or
rationalize it, and I'm still
hanging out around here, putting up
with it.
BRIE
(smiles sadly)
And we're still putting up with
you.
Krystal totters into the gazebo, tipsy. She addresses Al.
KRYSTAL
Oh my God. I am so embarrassed! I
just, like, nearly fell over in
front of Bear Bernard, and my dress
flew up . . .
AL
I'm sure he didn't notice.
KRYSTAL
I wanted to make a good impression,
and instead I act like a total
dufus! It's because I'm a little
drunk, I guess.
AL
Could be.
KRYSTAL
So. You gonna introduce me to all
your friends?
AL
(after a beat)
Everyone, this is Krystal. Krystal
is an aspiring actress from
Missouri. Krystal, this is Brie
Tannen --
KRYSTAL
Oh my God, I saw you in that mini
series, you were great!
BRIE
Thank you.
AL
And Mitchell Davis, and Tina . . .
TINA
Phillips.
AL
And Piers Liteman. You'll want to
talk to Piers. He is a producer.
KRYSTAL
Really.
Piers stands, smiling.
PIERS
Really.
KRYSTAL
So, what have you produced?
PIERS
Oh, this and that.
KRYSTAL
Like, movies?
PIERS
Let me tell you about it as I show
you around. Have you had the grand
tour yet?
They exit the gazebo together, make their way down the steps.
Krystal is wide-eyed, and unsteady on her feet. PIERS puts
out a hand to steer her.
KRYSTAL
Um, a little, inside . . .
PIERS
Have you seen the pool house yet?
KRYSTAL
(shakes her head no)
Uh uh.
PIERS
Oh. Well, we'd better start there.
Jade has a fabulous pool house . .
.
Those in the gazebo watch them walk off. Piers has his arm
around her shoulder to steady her. By the pool he lifts a
drink off a tray carried by a waiter, and hands it to her.
Krystal shakes her head, and laughs:
KRYSTAL
Oh, I think I should watch it.
PIERS
Hey, I'm a lifeguard. If you fall
in, I'll rescue you.
KRYSTAL
(laughing, confused)
I meant the drink.
PIERS
Me too.
AT THE POOL
HOUSE:
Piers makes a show of looking around furtively, then puts his
finger to his lips: "Shh!" He holds the door open as a
giggling Krystal disappears inside. He ducks in after her.
BACK AT THE
GAZEBO:
AL
My, he works fast.
MITCH
Well, you handed her to him, Al.
TINA
Yeah, really.
AL
But the lack of ceremony! Three
words into the conversation, and
he's already about to bang her?
BRIE
Those crazy kids today, huh?
MITCH
It all comes from flash editing.
(snaps his fingers)
Chop, chop, pick up the pace.
BRIE
Short attention spans.
AL
I guess. And it's damned
convenient. Fast-food McLove.
INT. POOL HOUSE -- NIGHT
Piers, also rather drunk, is on the floor, talking to
Krystal, who is under a large beige tarp, as he gathers
together a pillow and a blanket.
PIERS
Krystal is a sparkly name.
KRYSTAL (UNDER TARP)
My mom liked this '80s show.
Dynasty? It's from that.
PIERS
Mmm. Are you okay under there?
We hear giggles, snorted laughter, and unintelligible words.
PIERS
What?
KRYSTAL (UNDER TARP)
I'm hiding! You can't find me.
PIERS
I bet I can. I bet I can find you.
Where's Krystal? Where's Krystal?
He lifts up the tarp and crawls in after her.
PIERS
Peekaboo . . .
EXT. JADE'S BACK GARDEN -- NIGHT
A cloud passes over the moon.
It is getting to be one or two a.m. The party is breaking
up. There are fewer people in the garden, and some are
passed out, leaning on the shoulders of their friends.
The garden is softly lit by oriental lanterns. The MUSIC
playing is langorous jazz.
One woman is reading palms. Sitting not far from her, is
Bear Bernard, talking to an equally muscular younger man.
BEAR
Because if I didn't do my own
stunts, I'd feel like a fake, you
know? It's like, sure, the stunt
guy is there on the set, they pay
him, I respect him, that's not the
point.
Poor young Danny rolls his eyes. Whispers to the very bored
female model:
DANNY
Oh, get a clue, Bear, he is not
impressed.
(a beat)
Will you ask him if we can go soon?
MODEL
(obliges in a lifeless
monotone)
Bear? Bear, honey?
BEAR
Huh? What is it, beautiful?
MODEL
Can we go soon?
BEAR
What?
MODEL
Can we go home?
BEAR
Oh. Okay, I'll be right with you.
(to young man)
So, where do you train?
The camera wanders around the party, surveying the stragglers
as they get themselves together to leave.
Waiters stuff a few last hors d'oeuvres into their mouths,
and pockets.
Piers emerges from the pool house, with an unconscious
Krystal lying in his arms. Her hair falls in a cascade, and
her arms and legs dangle as he carries her. Al wanders by,
and observes them.
AL
That's very Lon Chaney.
PIERS
She's, like, totally wasted.
AL
But did you get what you wanted?
PIERS
Hey, she's a fun girl, I like her.
AL
But did you get what you wanted?
PIERS
Well -- yeah.
AL
Before or after she passed out?
PIERS
Hey, fuck you!
He storms away. Al mutters:
AL
Yeah, that's all I ever do around
this place is take a number.
UP BY THE HOUSE:
Jade is saying goodbye to her last guests. She advises
Piers, still carrying Krystal:
JADE
Oh. I think her friends already
left. Just plunk her down in the
spare bedroom, and I'll see that
she gets home.
PIERS
Okay. Sorry. Thanks.
He goes into the house. Al wanders up.
AL
(to Jade)
So, I guess that rules out me
crashing in the spare bedroom? I
left food for Otto . . .
JADE
(smiles, says softly)
Maybe we can find someplace else
for you to stay.
He smiles also, and they go into the house.
INT. JADE'S HOUSE -- NIGHT
Al and Jade enter. Jade gets down on the floor, to talk to
the dog, who licks her face.
JADE
Yes, Genevieve! Who was a good
girl? Who am I proud of?
AL
Me? Did I behave also?
JADE
Well, not as well as she did. But
well enough.
AL
Well enough that you're letting me
stick around a little, huh?
Brie and Mitch and Tina enter from outside. They help Jade
straighten the room a bit.
MITCH
I think that's the last of them.
JADE
What do you know, team? We pulled
it off. Even managed to avoid a
major tantrum from Darth Vader
here.
AL
I still could explode at any
moment, you know.
JADE
The guests are gone, fire away.
(to Tina and Brie)
Piers is tucking in that girl
Krystal in the spare room, so --
BRIE
(to Tina)
That's okay, I don't mind sharing,
do you, Tina?
TINA
Nope.
MITCH
I'll say good night also.
Mitch, Tina and Brie kiss Jade good night, and leave the
room.
Piers returns.
JADE
How is she?
PIERS
I think she'll be okay.
AL
Is there a pulse?
PIERS
She's snoring.
AL
That's something.
PIERS
I'm ignoring you.
AL
Don't ignore me completely. Catch.
(tosses him his car keys)
Try not to total it on the way
home, okay?
Piers glances from Jade to Al, a little slow on the uptake.
PIERS
Oh. You want me to . . . oh, okay.
Goodnight.
AL
Goodnight.
PIERS
(leaving)
Great party, Jade.
JADE
Thanks, Piers. Goodnight.
He leaves the room, and we hear the front door close. Al
moves to Jade, and brushes the hair away from her neck.
JADE
Alone at last.
AL
It should have been at first. You
don't need any of these people.
You don't need any of this circus
nonsense. You only need me.
He moves in to kiss her. A waiter pokes his head in from the
back garden:
WAITER
Miss Merrill? Do you want us to
refrigerate the left over
crabcakes?
Jade and Al freeze.
INT. CLASSROOM -- DAY
Al stands before a group of college students. They are
undergraduate film students; this is how he pays the bills
when he is between projects. They sit in rows, and he stands
before a blackboard.
AL
Okay, so let me ask you this. How
many of you are from LA?
About half the hands in the room go up.
AL
And how many are planning to live
here for most of their lives?
Almost all the hands go up.
AL
Okay, so here's the paradox. You
need to be here because this is
where the industry is, and this is
where the jobs are. But if you
are going to be any kind of a
writer, any kind of a director,
hell, any kind of a grip, you need
to get the hell out of here.
He paces. The students are perhaps unsettled by his
vehemence.
AL
Why do I say this? One of the
reasons why so many new TV shows
are unwatchable is that the people
who write them do not read books.
But that's not the only problem.
They have never lived in the real
world, either. What they know of
reality, of how real people are in
their families, at their jobs, with
their lovers, they have learned
from watching TV shows, or from
watching people in South California
interact -- which is more or less
the same thing. And so there is an
implosion, an entropy effect, a
phenomenon of ideas consuming
themselves, cannibalizing
themselves, and each copy moves
farther from the original, the way
imitation margerine is at an even
further remove from butter.
Original series Star Trek was
written by some people who had
served in World War II, who knew
what it was like in the Army or on
board a ship.
If they hadn't served, at least
they'd read some Heinlein or some
A.E. Van Vogt, and had some
interesting ideas to rip off. Then
you had Next Generation, written by
people who only had the original
series to take ideas from, and
water them down. And then you had
the later shows, written by people
who grew up on Next Gen, and so on.
And so Star Trek becomes LA Law in
outer space, and the interesting,
provocative ideas provided by
Theodore Sturgeon and Jerome Bixby
and Harlan Ellison, or ripped off
from Heinlein, become so diluted as
to be unrecognizable.
He stops pacing, and leans hard on his desk, his hands
slamming down upon it with such force that some students
jump.
AL
So, you want to be a writer? Read
books, novels, real ones -- I'll
give you a reading list. And then
hit the road. I don't mean for a
couple of weeks, a little vacation.
I mean, get the hell out of here.
Join the Navy. Join the Foreign
Legion. Drive a truck. Become a
waitress in Tennessee for a couple
of years. Be a garbage man in St.
Paul. Meet some real people and
have some real conversations, and
shiver through some cold winters,
and raise a baby, and don't even
worry too much about taking "mental
notes" on the experience. I'm not
talking about a "safari" into real
life -- I'm talking about living
one, throwing yourself into it
completely.
He pulls back, paces again.
AL
And then, when you're broke, and a
failure in Hollywood terms, and you
have no connections, and no one
wants anything of yours -- then
maybe you'll find out whether or
not you can write.
There is silence. A bold young woman puts up her hand.
FEMALE STUDENT
Is that what you did?
AL
Good question. Yes and no. I've
lived in the real world, but not
enough. And I may reach the point
where I leave this place again.
INT. INDOOR TENNIS COURT -- AFTERNOON
Al and Piers are playing. Al is puffing and miserable. He
is cross because he is losing badly and he does not want to
be here.
PIERS
Heads up!
He serves an ace that goes whizzing by Al's racket.
AL
Screw you.
Piers puts up a hand.
PIERS
Let's have it.
Al retrieves the ball, throws it so that Piers can serve
again.
PIERS
Now, Al, I'm just telling you as
your friend --
AL
Who asked for your advice?
Piers serves, and they begin a volley. Al puffs out his
words as he chases the ball and whacks it back. Piers does
not sound like he is under much strain.
PIERS
Al --
AL
And -- why do you -- labor -- under
the weight of this -- flimsy,
pathetic fiction -- that you are my
friend -- when --
We hear MUSIC. An annoying, overblown electronic rendition
of the opening bars of Beethoven's Fifth. It repeats.
PIERS
Oh shit, that's my cell.
He trots over to a bag in the corner, and gets on the cell
phone. Al wanders over to the net.
PIERS
Speaking! Oh. Of course, put him
on . . . Hey! How are you . . .
No, of course. You know, I can
understand that, it was a really
unfortunate . . .
(glances at Al uneasily)
I'm sure he feels bad about it
also, it's just, you know how he --
No. Sure. Find him, hell, he's
right here with me now, do you want
me to --
(he steps toward Al as
though to offer him the
phone. Stops dead.)
Oh. Okay. Well, then, we'll be
right over there. No problem,
Herb, and again, I'm so sorry about
how -- Herb?
He looks up. Turns off phone.
PIERS
I knew it. That was Orrenstein.
AL
I surmised as much. What does he
want?
PIERS
What do you think he wants? After
your ridiculous behavior --
AL
He wants my head?
PIERS
He wants both of us over there now.
AL
Is he sending a car?
PIERS
No. We are going in your car.
AL
My dented car?
PIERS
Your soon-to-be-repaired, slightly
dented car, yes. And you are going
to be so apologetic, and diplomatic
and tactful about the kid --
AL
I am?
PIERS
You are. Or I am going to throttle
you. And then when you are dead
Herb is going to throttle you. And
then the rest of the staff will
take turns.
INT. CAR -- AFTERNOON
Al drives. Piers is scared and upset, Al is not.
PIERS
God. I hate this kind of thing.
AL
You're terrified. Look at you.
That's why I'm driving. Well, one
reason.
PIERS
Just don't be Mary Tyler Moore for
once, or --
AL
Who?
PIERS
Whoever it is you always say you
feel like --
AL
(incredulous, entertained)
Sir Thomas More? Is that what
you're talking about?
PIERS
Yeah, just do me a favor and don't
go into that shtick for once --
AL
You've never heard of Sir Thomas
More, Piers? I don't expect you to
have read Utopia, but I figured
you'd maybe seen a movie called --
PIERS
Just DO NOT dick Herb around, Al!
Okay? You wanna flush your own
career, fine. But not when I'm in
the vicinity.
AL
What does this have to do with you?
PIERS
They know we're friends, they've
gotten the notion that I can
control you, that I'm responsible
for you.
AL
First of all, you and I are not --
PIERS
(very upset)
Cut the crap! Just tell the kid
you're sorry, tell him you think
it's a terrific idea for a
screenplay, you're just too much of
a tough guy to write a love story --
AL
(mildly)
I could write an earthshattering
love story, I just can't write
garbage --
PIERS
(pleading)
You don't have to work with him,
you don't have to go near him, just
tell him how great it is, and
suggest somebody else!
AL
(reasonable, soothing
tone)
I am sorry. I'm sorry the kid is
spoiled, I'm sorry he has no
talent, I'm sorry he didn't decide
to be a fireman instead, I'm sorry
he couldn't write his way out of a
paper bag --
PIERS
I am going to kill you! I am going
to boil you alive!
EXT. CAR -- DAY
The car approaches the studio gates. We cannot hear what
transpires inside, but we can see Piers yelling and
gesticulating while Al drives, unruffled.
EXT. STUDIO -- DAY
The car slows at the studio gates. The guard approaches Al,
who leans his arm on the rim of the open window.
GUARD
I need to see some ID, sir.
AL
Really? Well, that's
understandable. You've only met me
fifty times.
GUARD
Please, sir, I'm afraid that --
PIERS
(hollering out to the
guard)
Just let us through, Jim. It's
okay.
GUARD
Oh. Yes sir, Mr. Liteman.
They drive in through the gate.
EXT. STUDIO LOT -- DAY
We see the car drive past the sound stages, toward the office
buildings that hug the ground.
INT. OFFICE -- DAY
We open on Herb Orrenstein. He's a sporty, casual man in his
late fifties, well dressed. He speaks calmly, attempting to
be reasonable.
HERB
Now, all right. We're all adults
here. We are colleagues and we are