Stageplays

                ACT I

                           (While the lights are down, we hear
               the beginning of Simon and Garfunkel's
               "Kathy's Song":)
          
I hear the drizzle of the rain
Like a memory it falls
Soft and warm, continuing
Tapping on my roof and walls
And from the shelter of my mind
Through the window of my eyes
I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets
To England, where my heart lies

            Scene 1

            SETTING:    A small, cheap London bed and                                     breakfast hotel.                                          

            AT RISE:     It is early evening.  BERNARD and                
                         LORI GREENFIELD are unpacking and  
                         settling in.  LORI is hyper and                                  exuberant, after their flight.

LORI
Sweetie?  Did you pack the clothes steamer?

BERNARD
Yup.

LORI
Good, I'm glad one of us remembered it.  What should I wear for dinner?

(SHE is taking out her blouses, skirts and dresses, smoothing them out on the bed.  He is putting his shirts away in the chest of drawers)

BERNARD
Mmm.  Something quiet, low-key --

LORI
That's all I've got, Bernie.  You had me pack, like, every blue-gray thing I own.

BERNARD
Then -- whatever you think.

            (LORI sits on the bed, looks around,
            beaming)

LORI
My God.  I can't believe we're actually over here!

BERNARD
Yeah, I can't believe we finally made it out of Gatwick.

LORI
It's like a dream, I have wanted to come here for so long!  Look at this room!  Look at those lacy curtains!  Look at these sweet, chintzy polyester sheets!

            (SHE rubs them between her fingers)

BERNARD
And the mushy mattress.  The Brits prefer cheap, uncomfortable things.  They like to pretend the War's still going on.

LORI
No, this is great.  Look at this fat, fluffy comforter thing.

BERNARD
It's called a duvet.

             (HE stresses the first syllable: doo-vay)
LORI
It's so fucking quaint!

BERNARD
Yeah, Lori, listen.  Remember what I said, all right?

LORI
I know, I know, don't tell them how much I liked "Brideshead" and "Bridget Jones’ Diary"--

BERNARD
Beyond that.  Try not to fawn all over the British, please.  It's bad for them, it only encourages them.
 
LORI
What do you mean -- fawn on them?

BERNIE
I mean, don't degrade yourself, sweetheart, for a bunch of limey bastards with poles up their ass.  It's not worth it.

LORI
            (Taken aback)
Bernie -- my God.  What do you think I'm going to say?

BERNARD
It's just . . . look.  Every time you hear a British accent, you start gushing, and they quietly sneer, and you're so entranced, you don't even notice.

LORI
           (Hurt)
When?  When has that ever happened?

BERNIE
I don't know.  At parties . . .

LORI
You want me to be rude to the Thorpes tonight -- is that it? You're the one who supposedly needs this deal.  I'm just a supportive little wifey, remember? 

BERNARD
I'm not saying be rude.  I'm just saying -- we're not a colony anymore.  There was a big revolution.  The sun has set. There's no need to grovel.

              (LORI gets up, angry, and walks
              around him.  SHE fishes in his open
              suitcase, and pulls out the steamer)

LORI
Where's the adapter?

BERNARD
In my ditty bag, I think.

LORI
Great.

              (SHE fishes it out, takes it to the      
              wall socket, and plugs the steamer 
              into it.  SHE stamps over to a water
              pitcher on the bureau, and pours water
              into the steamer. SHE begins to steam-
              iron her clothes)

BERNARD
Look, honey, don't take what I'm saying the wrong way.

LORI
Bernard, gimme a break.  You're making me self-conscious.

BERNARD
God forbid.

LORI
I was really hoping -- this trip could be good for us.  You know?

              (HE moves to her, to soothe her)

BERNARD
It will be.

LORI
London's so romantic, and I was hoping we could spend some time --

BERNARD
We will.  Lazy afternoons.  Long walks.  Wild sex.  The whole second honeymoon schmeer, just like you want.  But meanwhile, I need this woman's respect.

LORI
I know.

BERNARD
And little things matter.  You're -- both of us are loud, exuberant Americans.  We've got to tone it down around the Brits.  Not be too eager.  Hmm?

LORI
Are you ashamed of me?

BERNARD
No.  No, of course not.

(SHE moves away)

LORI
Look -- I'm just tired, I'm sorry, I don't want to argue with you.

BERNARD
We're not arguing.  We're having a conversation.

LORI
Fine, whatever.

BERNARD
I just want to spare you some soggy British contempt.

LORI
I don't understand your problem with the British.  It's infantile.

BERNARD
I don't have a problem with them.

LORI
Oh, come on.  You've got a complex.  Just because they speak beautifully, and they're smart, and they had better pop music for awhile -- you're insecure.

BERNARD
Look, Lori, believe me, I swear I used to be just like you.  Raised in a house full of raving Anglophile Jews.  I was weaned on PBS, you know?  Same as you.  And then I came over here . . .

LORI
And now you think they stink.

                  (BERNARD moves to the window and lifts
                  the curtain, to look out at the rain
                  HE takes on a rather lofty tone)

BERNARD
Lori, try to understand my position.  I appreciate British rock.  Except for Phil Collins.

LORI
What's wrong with Phil Collins?

BERNARD
(Trying to be patient)
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.  I appreciate British literature.  I admire their command of irony and understatement, and the high level of discourse on their TV.

LORI
Oh, here we go.  The Grand Rabbi's back in town.  Lecture away.

BERNARD
They have good cheap theater -- we should catch some this week.  They have funny alternative comedians, or used to.

              (SHE holds up a steamed silk blouse
              against her, and looks down at it)

LORI
Great.  Well, you've shown me how objective you are, Bernie.  You can stop, I'm convinced.

              (HE leaves the window and walks
              toward her, still pompous)

BERNARD
The British make better beer than we do, and woollier sweaters.  I like this country.  It's just the people I could do without.

LORI
That's right.  That's why you went to school over here for, what?  Two years?  And you didn't make a single British friend, did you?  So, what does that tell you?

BERNARD
(Pointing a warning finger)
Now, hold it, Lori.  Don't start in with the psychoanalysis.  And don't you dare lapse into any of your New Age psycho-babble at dinner with the Thorpes tonight!

LORI
You didn't make friends, 'cause you can't open up to people --even when you're dying to impress them.  You just bought their woolly sweaters and drank their beer with other Rhodes scholars, right?

BERNARD
(Moving to her, gentler)
I tried to meet the natives, Lor.  I wanted to.  After awhile, you stop waiting for them to defrost.

LORI
Sure.  Like you tried really hard.

BERNARD
And they don't say "school" except when they're talking about little kids.  They say "college" or "university."  And remember: state schools are public schools and public schools are really private schools --

LORI
(Moving away)
I know, I know, and fries are chips, and chips are crisps, and you lectured me on all this before.  And I still say it's sad you didn't stay in touch with anybody here.

BERNARD
Lori, I'm telling you: British hospitality is a fucking oxymoron!  As it is, they’ve probably killed me with their fucking Mad Cow Disease.

LORI
(Wearily)
Oh, please don’t start with this.

BERNARD
(Genuinely scared)
I was here during the danger years, you know.  Over a hundred Brits have died.  They say your brain gets full of holes like a swiss cheese, and you just keel over -- dead.
       
LORI
Bernie, you do not have Mad Cow Disease.   

BERNARD
And it could happen any time in the next forty years -- and there’s no way to test. Do you know what it’s like being killed by British cooking?  It’s like getting HIV from the worst sex you’ve ever had.

LORI
(Dismayed)
Bernie, that's not funny.
 
BERNARD                       
Oh, sorry, was that joke not P.C. enough for you?  The Thorpes just better not be serving us hoof ‘n mouth-fried beef tonight!

LORI
Just relax.  Let's just have a nice time.

BERNARD
(Suppressed agitation)
Sure.  Whatever.

LORI
I don't understand why you've been treating me like you think I'll say something terrible.  Since we left JFK.  It's really hurtful.   
   
BERNARD
Lori, it's just . . . being around them again.  I used to get this way in Oxford, I'd hear some American tourist walking down Broad Street, loudly asking his wife: "But, honey, where's the campus?  Where's the University?"  And I'd just cringe!

LORI
Why?  Where was the University?

BERNARD
All around them!  The colleges are all over the city.  That's the point, that's -- it's just so easy for us to expose ourselves to them.  And they're waiting for it.  They're licking their chops.

LORI
Where do you get this idea that they hate Americans?

BERNARD
Oh,they hate all foreigners -- but we're the only ones they can still make fun of, without seeming racist.  They can't bash Indians and Pakistanis now, or be openly anti-semitic.

LORI
Bernie, can't you see, you're out of control with this --

BERNARD
           (Jerking clothes out of his suitcase)
They can't bash blacks, or the Irish -- no more jokes about Paddy.  Or the Scottish, or the Welsh, or even Northerners.

LORI
You don't understand their sense of humor, that's your problem.

BERNARD
White South Africans used to be the only people lower than Yanks over here -- but even they're being rehabilitated.

LORI
Are Brits really anti-semitic?
(He throws her a look of disbelief)
LORI (CONT'D)
I'm just asking.

BERNARD
Don't worry, they're really stupid about it.  The Thorpes probably won't even figure out we're Jewish.

LORI
Come on, Bernie.  Our name is Greenfield, we reek of New  York --

BERNARD
Yanks all look and sound alike to them.  And even Jews can't be snubbed openly anymore.  It must be tough on the Brits.  If they want to bash outsiders and feel self-righteous, Americans really are the final frontier.

(SHE responds brightly, trying to
              change the subject)
LORI
Do you think they get the Star Trek programs over here?

BERNARD
Sure they do.  They get all our junk.  They sit and watch hours of American shows like -- like "Baywatch," going:
(HE bugs out his eyes as if watching)
TV, and puts on a high, false British
             accent)
"This is trash!  This is cultural imperialism, this is!"   Then they go stuff their face at MacDonald's and say:  "Ooh, the poor rainforests!  Those dreadful Americans!  Would you like another cheeseburger, Alistair?"
(Normal accent)
Then they set up bogus American programs to pay for their universities so they won't have to, and write screenplays they want us to fund, and sneer, and hate us the more money they get out of us!
(LORI stares at him in fury. 
             Finally, HE notices)
BERNARD (CONT'D)
What?

LORI
Nothing.  I was excited to be here, that's all.  But now you've ruined the trip for me in advance.  Okay?

BERNARD
What, I was only trying to get you culturally acclimated --

LORI
           (Almost in tears)
I'm taking a shower.  We've got, like, an hour before we're supposed to meet the Thorpes.

BERNARD
Watch out, you'll probaby have to take a bath, the British don't believe in mixed taps --

LORI
LAY OFF!

             (SHE storms into the bathroom and
             slams the door.  There is a pause, as
             SHE sees that HE is right.  We hear her:)
LORI (OFFSTAGE) (CONT'D)
FUCK!

BERNARD
           (Chuckling)
Told ya.

              (LIGHTS DOWN)

                                   END OF SCENE 1

                            ACT I

                       Scene 2
            

            (During the scene change, we hear a
            compressed version of Richard
            Thompson's song "Yankee Go Home." 
            The lyrics go:) 

  
Well, GI Joe, put your gun away
The sun is setting on another day
Why don't you leave us alone?
Yankee go home!
I've lost track of the chewing gum that I've had
And Coca-cola, make my teeth go bad
We'll handle this on our own
Yankee go home!
Dow Jones going into a stall
Spray paint say it on every wall
The climb was fine, now it's time to decline and fall
Overpaid, oversexed, and over here
Get smart, gringo, disappear
The Hun's at the gates of Rome
Yankee go home!
Go home!

             SETTING:       The pleasantly furnished bedroom of                                       NICHOLAS and FIONA THORPE.

             AT RISE:       It is roughly one half-hour after                                   the previous scene.  NICHOLAS and                                         FIONA are dressing for dinner, SHE                                     putting on make-up and jewelry                                     before a vanity, HE buttoning his                               shirt)

FIONA
What's the time?
NICHOLAS
About half past.
FIONA
(Nervous, muttering)
Oh, bloody marvelous.  And I can't even find a pair of earrings to match this.
NICHOLAS
You look lovely.
FIONA
I'm not trying to look lovely.  I'm trying to look like a flashy corporate wheeler-dealer.  Something this fellow respect.  Am I overdressing?
NICHOLAS
Not a bit of it.
FIONA
Do you suppose he'll turn up in trainers and a torn sweatshirt, with five day stubble and a little pony-tail at the back?
NICHOLAS
He'll be in a dinner jacket with a white bow tie and a frilly shirt, I expect.
FIONA
How's dinner coming along?  Shouldn't you --
NICHOLAS
I'd rather not.  It makes Sharon jumpy if I hover about too much.
(Distraught, FIONA studies herself in
               the mirror)
FIONA
What is the matter with my hair?  It's frightful!
NICHOLAS
Shall I ring them and ask them to turn up a bit later?
FIONA
(Snapping at him)
No!  They'll suppose we're incompetent, what do you think? Just sit tight.
NICHOLAS
Ah, yes dear.
(HE sits on the bed.  FIONA shakes
               her head)
FIONA
Oh, I'm sorry, Nick, I'm a mess.  Don't mind me.
NICHOLAS
I try not to.
FIONA
I'm counting on you, you know that.  You've got to save me from myself.  You mustn't let me say an honest word this whole grisly evening.
(SHE takes a sip from a glass of wine
               at her elbow)
NICHOLAS
I'll see what I can do.  But if they're going to be over here for a week, perhaps we ought to offer to show them around London for the next few days --
FIONA
Yes, we'll have to show them where all the MacDonalds are, and take them to the Guinness Book of Records Museum.
(Fake Yank accent)
"Gee, this is a great little country you got here, honey.  Think I'll buy it."
NICHOLAS
After all, Fee, you may find you quite like them.  It is theoretically possible.
FIONA
Not a chance.  I know what type he is from our chats on the phone.  He's all charm, and bluff good fellowship.  He'll have a handshake that'll crush every bone in your fingers, wait and see.
NICHOLAS
Well.  Something to look forward to.  What's the wife like?
(HE goes to the bureau, chooses a
               pair of cuff links)
FIONA
I've no idea.  Probably some ghastly, cosmetically altered little trollope.
NICHOLAS
Maybe they're not Hollywood types.  Maybe they're tough, gritty New Yorkers. 
FIONA
If they're in the film industry they'll ooze Hollywood wherever they live, trust me.
NICHOLAS
Fee, let's give the evening a chance . . .
FIONA
(Bitterly, with fake Yank accent)
That's right, we gotta think positive.  We're gonna bond with these swell people.  They're our new best friends!
(SHE throws an earring down in disgust, chooses another pair, and speaks normally)
It's ironic, actually.  Here I've been a good girl, toadying up to the men in the company, and finally I get a chance to produce my film, with my script -- and I've got to impress some Yank bastard, and sell my soul to coax money out of him.  It makes perfect sense.
NICHOLAS
He told you on the phone you'd retain creative control, isn't that right?
(FIONA stares at him, disbelieving,
               amused.  SHE considers him naive)
FIONA
Yes, dear, that's right.  Which means precisely nothing.  They come up with that sort of jargon to fill up their contracts to keep their five million lawyers per square inch employed, when they're not suing each other.  But if his company puts up more than half the funds, you can bet they'll have their sweaty little hands all over the film.
NICHOLAS
What surprises me is that they should be interested in it at all.
FIONA
(Stopped short)
Why?
NICHOLAS
Well, it doesn't exactly promise to be a blockbuster.
FIONA
(Defensive)
Oh yes, it's going to be a colossal flop, isn't it?  Who would want to see a film about John Stuart Mill and Harriet Taylor?  How snoringly dull!
NICHOLAS
Fee, I didn't mean that.  I only meant that -- for an American audience . . .
FIONA
No, you're right, of course.  It's not their sort of thing at all.  Mill was an intellect, and American culture is all about celebrating stupidity, just switch on Jerry Springer.  I should know, I have to read their cinema trade papers.
(SHE yanks a comb through her hair)
(as she says each name:)
Dumb and Dumber-er, Bruce Almighty, Legally Blonde Eight, or whatever they’re up to now.  And the apotheosis of Forrest Gump.  No wonder they loved Reagan so much, or “W.”  They see an intelligent script and they don't know what to do with it  -- any more than they knew what to do with an intelligent president who could talk in complete sentences. 
NICHOLAS
Then, why are they after your film?
(FIONA swigs her wine.  When SHE says
               "Bernard," SHE pronounces it the
               British way.  When SHE quotes him,
               SHE lapses into fake American again)
FIONA
Well, according to our good friend Bernard, WaveLine Productions is a young "highbrow, alternative" company, looking for "arty, intellectual projects."  So, just imagine what "arty" suggestions he'll make to enhance my script.
NICHOLAS
           (Smiling)
Well, you may have to put a bit of shagging in, for a start.
FIONA
Oh, of course!
           (Fake accent)
Can't have a sexless marriage, lady.  What we got here is boy meets girl, boy is impotent, girl is frigid -- but they get over it!  They go on to have wild, crazy, technicolor sex!
NICHOLAS
And perhaps you need a bit more violence.
FIONA
Violence?  In the life of Mill?  That's a difficult proposition, let's see -- Oh, I know
           (With fake accent)
-- Okay, here's the pitch.  Mill goes down the pub -- goes into a bar, see?  And there's Carlyle.  And Mill says, Tom, I'm an abolitionist, ya wanna make something of it?  And Carlyle says, yeah, John, I think the wogs on the Jamaican plantations should stay slaves.  So Mill pops him one -- whammo! -- right in the kisser.  Now that's a movie!  Plus a car chase scene.  A bit of MTV flash editing, a throbbing title track by Bryan Adams . . .
NICHOLAS
           (Embracing her)
It actually sounds rather jolly.  I would go and see it.
FIONA
           (Sadly)
Yes, you would do, wouldn't you.
NICHOLAS
Fee . . .
FIONA
Are you sure you don't want to ask Sharon to stay and serve?
NICHOLAS
Oh, we'll manage all right.
FIONA
Do you suppose they're highly evolved people, these Greenfields?  Will they be groovy and relate to us, and start sharing their feelings the moment they meet us?
NICHOLAS
Fee --
FIONA
(Pulling away)
If he introduces me to his inner child, I'll molest it on the spot, I swear to God I will --
NICHOLAS
As I say, I'll do my best -- but you mustn't patronize them, Fee, and you mustn't bait them.  When you're sarcastic with business people, they cotton on faster than you think.  At any rate, you seemed to like him well enough during your phone chats.  He likes your script --
FIONA
Oh, they always begin that way, we love it, we think it's brilliant!  Then it turns out they want you to rewrite it three times and give the lead role to their "aromatherapist."
NICHOLAS
Even if he has ideas and suggestions, all I'm saying is --hear him out.  Simply because, at the end of the day, he does have the money to make it possible, and you do want this deal.
FIONA
It's my film.  I'll not compromise it just to get something made.  Success in cinema is measured differently from success in the -- context in which you operate.
NICHOLAS
Darling, I'd just hate to see you throw everything away just to prove a point --
FIONA
You're saying I can't handle myself in a business transaction, is that it? 
NICHOLAS
No, but as you keep pointing out, you're under a strain --
FIONA
Well, we can't all be as calm as bankers, Nick.  I just hope you're not going to marvel at these people if it turns out they know the proper use of cutlery.
NICHOLAS
(Stung, embarrassed)
That happened once, very long ago.  I had honestly heard that they don't use forks in America.  I apologized after I said it.  The woman was amused, not offended.
FIONA
It's all right, darling, you're much less likely to say something rude than I am.  And if I put my foot in it tonight, I rely on you to get us all out of it with some thrilling stories of non-fluctuating premiums --
NICHOLAS
Stop it.
FIONA
Stop what?
NICHOLAS
Let off steam if you must.  But not by taking the mickey out of me.
FIONA
(Remorseful)
Was I?  You're right, I was, I know I was.  I'm a beast.
NICHOLAS
You're a love.  You get yourself all wound up with worry, that's all.  It's going to be all right.
FIONA
Yes, of course it will.  Why shouldn't it?
NICHOLAS
You know, I seem to remember you once saying you actually like some commercial American films.  You thought they had a raw, savage beauty.  Dangerous and virile.
FIONA
Savage isn't quite the word for them.  They're post-civilised, not pre-civilised.  It's an important distinction to make.  It's all hi-tech danger, synthetic virility.
NICHOLAS
Let's not start up again.
FIONA
Don't worry, Nick.  I'll be a good girl, tonight.  I've had ample training.
(HE goes to her, massages her back)
NICHOLAS
Mmm.  From theatre hack, to Girl Friday, to film producer.
FIONA
And on to pimp -- soliciting for my beloved little project.  Trying to get hold of some of that lovely American money.
NICHOLAS
Every producer solicits.  The money's got to come from somewhere.
FIONA
Who do you think they'll suggest for the role of Mill?  Bruce Willis?  Schwarzenegger?
(HE kisses the back of her neck)
NICHOLAS
Stallone.

                  (LIGHTS DOWN)

                                    END OF SCENE 2

ACT ONE
             Scene 3

                  (During the scene change, we hear the
                  chorus of "The Battle of New Orleans,"
                  sung either by Johnny Horton, or
                  Johnny Cash, or the Nitty Gritty Dirt
             Band:)       

We looked down the river and seen the British come
Musta been a hundred of 'em beatin' on the drum
Steppin' so high, they made their bugles ring
We stood beside our cotton bales, and didn't said a thing
Fired our guns, and the British kept a'comin'
Wasn't nigh as many was there was an hour ago
Fired once more, and they began a'runnin'
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico

Well, they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles
They ran through the places where a rabbit couldn't go
Ran so fast that the hounds couldn't catch 'em
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico

             SETTING:      The THORPES' dining room and                                        living room area.

             AT RISE:      All is in readiness.  FIONA and                                   NICK sit at the table, waiting. 
 
 
FIONA
They might have phoned and said they'd been held up.
(SHE checks her watch and stands,
                tense and impatient)
NICHOLAS
They've only just landed.
FIONA
They can figure out how a telephone works, I think!
NICHOLAS
(Soothing)
Shhhh.
FIONA
Don't shush me!
(The doorbell rings.  NICHOLAS moves toward it)
NICHOLAS
Thank goodness.
(Opening door)
Ah, hello!
(BERNARD enters, vigorously pumps NICHOLAS's hand.  NICHOLAS's eyes nearly pop out)
BERNARD
You must be Nick.
NICHOLAS
So I am.
BERNARD
Great to see you.
(FIONA has moved to the door, all smiles.  BERNARD now shares his mighty shake with her)
BERNARD (CONT'D)
And Fiona --
FIONA
Yes, hello.
BERNARD
Great to see you.  This is my wife, Lori --
(LORI waves a little wave, self-consciously)
LORI
Hi.
FIONA
It's so nice to meet you.  Let me take your coats.
(SHE does, and disappears into the kitchen with them.  NICHOLAS examines his injured hand)
NICHOLAS
Quite a firm grip you've got there, old man.
BERNARD
Yeah well.  Great place you have here, Nick.  And such a quiet neighborhood!
NICHOLAS
Thank you.
(To Lori)
Would you care for a drink?  Sherry?
LORI
Um, Lori.
NICHOLAS
Or G&T?
LORI
(Baffled)
Ummm . . .
BERNARD
Gin and tonic, honey.  Sounds great.
NICHOLAS
Coming right up.  Please.  Sit down.

(HE indicates the couch, as he moves to make the drinks.  BERNIE and LORI sit)
NICHOLAS (CONT'D)
Yes, this place is a bit out of the way, but it's a step up from the poky little flat we were in before.
(FIONA returns from the kitchen, sits in a chair)
FIONA
Did you find the place all right?
BERNARD
Yeah, your directions were great -- sorry we're late.  Lori's a little giddy from the flight.
LORI
(Apologetically)
I haven't taken a bath since I was a little girl.  It took a lot longer than I thought.
(NICHOLAS and FIONA are puzzled.  They don't want to be rude, but . . .)
FIONA
I'm sorry -- you don't normally . . . bathe?
LORI
Well, no -- I mean, I take showers, most of the time.
FIONA
Oh, of course, I see.
BERNARD
And then the traffic was unbelievable!
LORI
We took forever getting around one of those round things --what do you call it?
BERNARD
(Whispered)
Lori!
NICHOLAS
(Bringing drinks)
A roundabout?
LORI
Yeah.  Those are, like, the weirdest intersections --
BERNARD
Honey, skip it.
(To the others)
Our driver was amazing, though.  Those London cabbies really know their stuff, huh?
(There is an awkward pause)
FIONA
So, did you enjoy your flight?
BERNARD
Yeah.  Yeah, we had a pretty good flight.
(Another awkward pause)       
FIONA
So, Lori, what is it that you do?
LORI
I teach.  I teach junior high.
FIONA
I see.  In a private school?
LORI
No, a public school.  I mean, what we call a public school, a regular school.
NICHOLAS
(Sitting in a chair)
Isn't that a bit dangerous?  In New York City, I mean?
LORI
Well, not really.  Some of my kids are a little out of control, but they're mostly really sweet.  It's challenging, it's like, it's been a total learning experience for me.  These last few years I've really, like, evolved as a person.
(LORI is animated; BERNARD is visibly uncomfortable due to her gushing and her use of buzz words  FIONA tries to give her husband a significant look)
NICHOLAS
And what sort of things do you teach them?
LORI
Well, we work together a lot on self-esteem issues, celebrating differences, cooperation, awareness of others, personal growth, remembering to take medication.
FIONA
(Ironically)
That's so important in an education.
NICHOLAS
How many pupils do you have?
LORI
Just twelve in each class.  You see, I work with kids who face a lot of physical and mental challenges.
BERNARD
Cripples and dummies.
LORI
(Horrified)
Bernie!
BERNARD
Well, they don't have all those euphemisms over here.
NICHOLAS
(Reproving)
I was able to gather what she meant.
LORI
Bernie, my God.
BERNARD
And what do you do, Nick?  Are you in the movie business too?
NICHOLAS
No, nothing that exciting, I'm afraid.  I'm a stodgy old banker.  Not in the City, right here in Wimbledon.
BERNARD
(Bored, polite.)
Really.
   LORI
So is this, like, not still London?
   NICHOLAS
Well, it's not Central London.  But yes, it is London, in a sense.
   BERNARD
I bet you folks get to see a lot of good tennis.
   NICHOLAS
Why, yes, we do, rather.
(They nod and smile.  Yet another awkward pause.  NICHOLAS indicates the drinks)
NICHOLAS (CONT'D)
Would you like a refill?
BERNARD
Look -- I don't know how to say this.  I feel like we've held you up long enough, so, if you guys are hungry --
FIONA
Yes, let's eat.  You must be famished, after your flight.
(They rise, and head for the table)
BERNARD
We're hanging in there.
NICHOLAS
Well, we can't take credit or blame for the food we're about to serve -- we have a girl who comes in and cooks for us now and then.  I'll go see about it.
(HE heads into the kitchen, as they are seated)
FIONA
Nicholas is actually quite a good cook.  I'm hopeless.  He planned tonight's menu.  Chicken Dijon, I believe.  He's taught me a proper appreciation of Frog food.
LORI
(Dismayed)
We're having, like, frog's legs?       
BERNARD
(Embarrassed)
We're having chicken, honey.  She means French food.
LORI
Oh.
(NICHOLAS returns with a bottle of white wine, in a covered silver dish.)
NICHOLAS
Here we are.
(HE starts pouring, chuckles, pleased to have a story to tell)
This wine was a bit of a find, actually.  We bought it ourselves in France, in a small town called Bóne, the last time we went through the Chunnel.
LORI
Wow!
NICHOLAS
It was rather an adventure.  You see, it's not quite a Burgandy, but the region is very near Burgandy --
FIONA
Oh God, Nick, just slosh it in.
NICHOLAS
(Startled, chagrinned)
Oh.  All right, then.
(He passes the glasses around)
There you are.  And so, on to the food.
(He uncovers the dish)
Stuffed mushrooms for starters, if that's all right.
BERNARD
That sounds great, Nick.
(NICHOLAS serves the mushrooms)
NICHOLAS
We each get one.  There's plenty more wine on ice, so do drink up.
FIONA
Yes, I counted three more bottles in the fridge.
(BERNARD lifts his glass in a toast)
BERNARD
To our new friends, Nick and Fiona.  To a special relationship -- in motion pictures.
NICHOLAS
Here, here.
(They clink, and drink)
FIONA
Bernard, I know we shouldn't be talking business over dinner  -- but I simply can't keep from asking: what are your thoughts about the script?  I know you didn't want to get into details over the phone --
BERNARD
Actually, I'm glad you asked.  I re-read it on the plane.  I don't want to talk shop either, right now, but -- I'm excited.  I'm really excited.
FIONA
Really.
BERNARD
(Expansive)
Yes, I am.  I mean, a lot of screenplays cross my desk.  But this is the sort of tasteful, quiet, artistic project that WaveLine Productions wants to develop and nurture.
FIONA
And the funding is there?
BERNARD
Absolutely.  Right now we're looking at a five to seven million dollar budget.
FIONA
My God.  It seems incredible.
(SHE is dazzled.  NICHOLAS reaches over and squeezes her hand)
BERNARD
Yeah, things are happening.
FIONA
You're all agreed, then?
BERNARD
Well, this is really my baby.  I've been pushing for it.  But they listen to me when it comes to what we put up money for.  And I think I've got 'em sold on this project.
FIONA
What, then, in your view, still remains to be done?
BERNARD
Well, we don't need to get into all the hairsplitting right now.
FIONA
No, please tell me.  I'd like to hear it.
LORI
(To NICHOLAS)
The movie business is so high pressure.  I don't know how they can stand it.
NICHOLAS
Nor do I.
FIONA
It's all right, Bernard, I can listen to criticism -- and if there are things that concern you, I'd like to know at the start.
BERNARD
Okay, listen.  Your screenplay is an impressive read.  I think you've almost reached the final draft.
FIONA
Really.  I fancied I had, but --
BERNARD
Well, pretty much, yeah.  I'm just talking about running it through the machine one more time -- some very minor polishing.
FIONA
What sort of polishing?
(NICHOLAS rises, takes the empty mushroom dish)
NICHOLAS
I'll go see about the main course. Won't be a moment.
(HE exits)
LORI
Fiona, Bernie really loves your screenplay.  He was telling me how knocked out he was by it.  I've, like, never seen him so -- moved.

FIONA
I'm so glad to hear it.  What sort of polishing are we talking about?
BERNARD
Well -- and obviously, Fiona, this is your concept, and I respect that -- but there are maybe ways to tweak it, to enhance Mill and Harriet's relationship.  I mean, anyone seeing the movie as it's written now would think they never had sex.
FIONA
It's very likely that they didn't.  They were both damaged Victorians, and by the time they were married --
BERNARD
Okay, I understand.  You don't want to make it some kind of racy film, neither do I.  But they may or may not have had a platonic marriage.  We don't know for sure.  It's just something to think about -- to maybe work in.
FIONA
For its own sake?
BERNARD
Well, to make the script a little less talky and stagey, for one thing.  And a little more humor wouldn't hurt.  I mean, it's sort of wry and understated right now --
FIONA
But it needs more belly laughs.
BERNARD
I don't know about belly laughs -- but the scene where Mill takes her to a dinner party, and she's still married to what's his face, and everyone's sneering and whispering and pointing at them --
FIONA
Yes, I know the scene.
(NICHOLAS returns with a platter, and begins dishing food onto plates)
BERNARD
You can just cut all the dialogue there.  That's a visual gag.  Have somebody's monocle fall into the soup from shock --that kind of thing.  Film is essentially a visual medium.
FIONA
So I've heard.  What else?
BERNARD
Well, we may have to change some locations, to be practical.  It makes sense to shoot most of it up in Canada.
FIONA
Canada as 19th century London?  Are you serious?
BERNARD
It's cheaper to film up there.  And backers don't like to put up money for an overseas production.
FIONA
(Sputtering)
Overseas . . .
(NICHOLAS, serving them, cuts off her outburst)
NICHOLAS
Here we are then.  Chicken Dijon, potato croquettes, and brussel sprouts done to a turn.
LORI
Thanks.  It looks great.
BERNARD
You know, Fiona, you really should come over to New York, and meet the other guys in the company.
FIONA
New York?  I mean, I don't know --
BERNARD
Yeah, 'cause Donny and Steve are into the idea, but they'll be more into it when they hear your presentation.  And also, there's an actress who just might be our Harriet.
FIONA
(Stares at him)
A British actress?
BERNARD
No, American.  But she can do a pretty good accent.  And, obviously, we'd hire a dialogue coach.
FIONA
I see.  And you think she'd be right for the part, do you?
BERNARD
Well, you probably have people in mind yourself.  But she's had some exposure -- she's done TV movies, and she had a stint on a daytime soap, one of the better ones --
LORI
She had a guest appearance on “a very special” episode of Touched By an Angel, a couple years ago.
BERNARD
(Hurriedly)
Plus she's done small films, more serious stuff.  She's got some name recognition.  And her dad's filthy rich.  Shampoo empire.  I knew her at Princeton.
FIONA
And that makes her our Harriet?  Rich father and Touched By an Angel?
BERNARD
Well, the thing is -- her dad's very anxious to help her career.  I think he'd put some money toward the film and ask for, like, zero input.  I mean, we wouldn't have to beef up Harriet's role, 'cause she's already half the picture.
LORI
She's a terrific actress.  We saw her do Shakespeare in the park.  Honey, what was the show?
FIONA
I thought WaveLine was to put up the money.  I thought that's where you came in.
BERNARD
We'll put up most of it, yes.  But you've got a period piece here, and that costs.  The more we have, the more lavishly we can do it up.
FIONA
And that's a reason to cast an actress?
BERNARD
It's one reason.  And the investors might feel better about a familiar face.
FIONA
I don't believe this . . . this is a British film about two British intellects and it ought to be filmed with British actors here in Britain!
NICHOLAS
Fee -- steady on.
FIONA
Sorry.
(SHE tears into her food)
BERNARD       
Fiona, I get where you're coming from.  I know that the script is like your baby right now, and you don't want to touch it.  But we've got to make some compromises.  Remember, I'm on your side here.
FIONA
Yes, I'll try to.
(They eat in uncomfortable silence)
NICHOLAS
Food all right?
LORI
It's delicious!  I mean, I was afraid the Chicken Dijon would be, like, really, really mustardy, you know?
BERNARD
(Sharply)
Lori!
LORI
(Sheepish)
But -- it's not.
NICHOLAS
Glad to hear it.  And the portions aren't too small, are they?
LORI
No, no, there's plenty!
NICHOLAS
I told Sharon to double what the recipes called for.  I got them out one of those nouvelle cookbooks -- they're always a bit Jewish with the portions.   
BERNARD
What?
(NICHOLAS looks up, realizes they might be Jewish)
NICHOLAS
Oh.  Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize, are you --
BERNARD
Nothing, forget it, we never heard it, just keep going.
NICHOLAS
No, but don't you see, it's just an expression.  I suppose I should have realized, with you being in the film industry --
BERNARD
What about the film industry?
FIONA
Nicholas, my dear, don't dig yourself in any deeper.  Be quiet for awhile, there's a good boy.
NICHOLAS
I'm most terribly sorry.
(More chewing and swallowing.  NICHOLAS is obviously embarrassed)
NICHOLAS (CONT'D)
Really . . . dreadfully sorry . . .
(LORI feels sorry for him.  SHE tries to cheer him up and relieve tension)
LORI
Have you guys ever seen "The Nanny"?
FIONA
Is that a film?
LORI
No, it's a TV show.  I think you'd like it, Nick.
NICHOLAS
Would I?
LORI
You should try to catch it if it's on over here.
BERNARD
Lori, we don't really need to hear about this right now.
NICHOLAS
No, please go ahead.  I'm interested.  What's it about?
LORI
Well, it starts out,
(Sings)
"She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens --"
NICHOLAS
Is that where you're from?
LORI
No, Bernie and I are from Westchester, but we live in Manhattan.  But, so, anyway, she goes with this little make-up case and shows up at this rich man's house -- he's English, actually!  And he's got these kids --
BERNARD
(Embarrassed, in agony)
Sweetheart, we're talking movies at the moment, not TV sit-coms.
LORI
Just let me finish, okay?  So, he's very proper.  And Fran --the Nanny -- she's really flashy, and she's got, like, this really big hair, like mall hair --
BERNARD
(Mortified, warning her)
Lori -- don't make me sorry I brought you on this trip.
LORI
Oh, Bernie, look, I'm babbling but so what --
BERNARD
Can't you just SHUT UP, and eat your dinner?
(LORI is shocked and embarrassed.  They all eat in silence.  LORI begins to cry)
BERNARD (CONT'D)
Oh, Jesus.
(SHE wipes her eyes with the napkin)
LORI
I'm sorry, I can't help it.
BERNARD
Oh, here we go.
(To the Thorpes)
We had a long flight, and she's just a little hyper, that's all.
NICHOLAS
(To LORI)
Would you like to borrow my handkerchief?
LORI
Yeah, I guess so . . . thanks.
(SHE borrows it, dabs her eyes, blows her nose.  SHE then unsure what to do with it -- to hand it back or what.  BERNARD and FIONA exchange what almost amounts to a knowing look, about the way things are going)
BERNARD
This is really dynamite food.
FIONA
It is good, isn't it.
(LORI begins crying uncontrollably again)
BERNARD
Oh, Christ.  Lori . . .
LORI
I'm sorry.
BERNARD
Look, why don't you go to the bathroom and throw up or something?  Then maybe you'll feel better.
(SHE stares at him in horror.  Then SHE stands.)
FIONA
Ah . . . it's right off the kitchen, if you need . . .
LORI
Excuse me.
(SHE runs into the kitchen)
BERNARD
Looks like it's going to be one of those evenings, huh, folks?  Listen, Fiona, I'm sorry about all the miscommunication.  It sounds like you've got very fixed ideas about how you want this movie to be, and I can respect that.  It's a British historical subject, and maybe a transatlantic production is not a good idea.
(FIONA and NICHOLAS exchange looks of panic)
FIONA
No, Bernard, really -- I didn't mean to give the impression that I wouldn't consider your ideas.  Really.  I'm sorry if I seemed to reject them out of hand.  I just need a bit of time to mull them over, that's all.
BERNARD
Well, maybe we can take a meeting sometime before Lori and I go back home.  We're both really fried after that flight.
NICHOLAS
Of course, you must have terrible jet lag.  I'd be completely knackered.  Where are you staying?
BERNARD
Some dumpy little place in Earl's Court.  I got it out of my old Let's Go England and Ireland.
NICHOLAS
Absolutely not.  You're staying here with us.
BERNARD
What?  No, no, really, we're fine.
NICHOLAS
No, I insist.
BERNARD
It's not such a bad place.  They, uh, serve a traditional English breakfast.
NICHOLAS
Well, so do we.
FIONA
Nicholas is quite right.  It's late, you must stay with us.  We'll lend you pyjamas, and pop 'round tomorrow to collect your things.
BERNARD
Gee -- I dunno.  I guess, if it's okay with Lori -- she's really pretty beat.
FIONA
Oh dear, her food will get cold.  Perhaps I'd better go see to her.
BERNARD
She's done.  She'll be fine.  Every now and then -- bang! --we just have a little episode, that's all.
(LORI comes back, slowly, dry-eyed and composed)
LORI
Did I miss anything exciting?
BERNARD
Honey, Nick and Fiona have invited us to come stay with them tonight.
NICHOLAS
And as long as you like.
LORI
(Startled)
Oh.  Oh, I don't think we want to be a lot of trouble --
FIONA
(Firmly)
It's no trouble at all.
LORI
It's just that -- we were just settling into the bed and breakfast --
FIONA
We've got a lovely, cosy guest room.  It hardly ever gets used.  I think you'll be very comfortable.
NICHOLAS
So, you see, it's all settled, then.
(Warmly, to Lori)
Chin up.
LORI
It's really very nice of you.
FIONA
Not at all, don't be silly.  Darling, shall I clear?
NICHOLAS
I can manage.  Perhaps you could get the room set up.
(FIONA heads for the stairs)
FIONA
All right.  Why don't you switch on the fireplace for them?  It's a bit chilly.
NICHOLAS
(As SHE EXITS)
Good idea.
(HE switches it on, and says to BERNARD as HE gathers dishes and leaves:)
You see?  Central heating after all.
BERNARD
I wasn't worried.
(Once BERNARD and LORI are alone, HE stands beside her before the glowing artificial fireplace.)
BERNARD (CONT'D)
Will you look at that?  All British homes have fake fireplaces.  It's strange, because you think of the British being tasteful, you know?  But not just tacky people here that have these things.
LORI
It's homey.  They like to sit by a cosy hearth.
(Pointing)
That's supposed to be a log, right?
BERNARD
Yeah.  Can you believe it?  It looks more like a great big plastic turd, with a halo around it.
LORI
Shhhhh!
BERNARD
Relax, honey.  You've already fucked the evening beyond repair.
LORI
Fuck you.
BERNARD
My wife, and her witty comebacks.
LORI
(Wearily)
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
(NICHOLAS comes in again, beaming)
NICHOLAS
How are we getting on, then?
BERNARD
Just toasting ourselves by the fire, like a couple of marshmallows.
NICHOLAS
Splendid.  And if the room is too chilly, there's a portable heater.
LORI
That sounds great.  I'm really beat.
NICHOLAS
Would you like a nightcap before you turn in?
BERNARD
Yeah, why not.
(NICHOLAS goes to the liquor cabinet)
NICHOLAS
Port or whisky?  I've got rather a good single malt here.  Or brandy, if you prefer.
BERNARD
Whisky sounds good.
(NICHOLAS gets out the bottle and pours.  FIONA comes downstairs)
FIONA
Well, I was able to turn up some fresh sheets for you.  The room's a bit musty, so I've left the windows open.  But there's a little heater.
BERNARD
Nick was telling us.
FIONA
And there's a hot water bottle on the bureau.
BERNARD
We'll be fine.
(NICHOLAS brings drinks to each of them, and keeps one)
NICHOLAS
Here we are.
LORI
Thanks.
NICHOLAS
You know what American film I was thinking about?  Annie Hall.  It's got that warm, zany New York Jewish humour --
FIONA
Nick, I think we've had enough input out of you on that subject.  Give it a rest.
(To the others)
I expect you'll both be wanting to turn in.
LORI
Yeah, I'm --
BERNARD
I'm actually wired.  I get this way right after a flight.  The jet lag doesn't hit until the day after.
FIONA
I know what you mean. I'm much the same way.
BERNARD
So, Fiona, I hope I haven't soured you on the project.  But if you come over, you'll meet Blair and see that she can act.  And, after all, a little name recognition is not such a terrible thing.
FIONA
Hmm.  Well then, how about asking Madonna or Sharon Stone?
BERNARD
If they'd read for it, I'd say sure, let's give it a shot.
FIONA
I -- don't know quite what to say.
NICHOLAS
Perhaps we could ask that Nanny person.
FIONA
Nicholas, do shut up!
NICHOLAS
Sorry.
BERNARD
In fact, I was thinking we should go for Bruce Willis to play John Stuart Mill.  He's looking for a new project . . .
(FIONA stares at him in horror.  SHE glances over at NICHOLAS, then back at BERNARD)
BERNARD (CONT'D)
I'm kidding, Fiona.  I mean, my God, obviously.  You must think me capable of anything.
NICHOLAS
We're just all very tired.  You two should bat names back and forth tomorrow, over tea and crumpets.
LORI
That reminds me, I've always wanted to ask.  What's a crumpet?
NICHOLAS
What do you mean?
LORI
What kind of food is it?  Is it, like, a cake?
FIONA
Here's a literary exercise for you, Nick.  Describe a crumpet for us.
NICHOLAS
It's not a cake, it's a sort of -- a muffin.  A bit like scones.  One eats it with butter -- or jam, I suppose.
LORI
So, it's not like a cracker?
BERNARD
(Exaggerated patience)
It's an English muffin, honey.  You know, with the little nooks and crannies?
LORI
Oh.
BERNARD
They just don't call them English muffins over here in England.  Strangely enough.
(LORI is playing dumb, being silly to lighten the mood)
LORI
Oh, but hey, what about the old commercial they used to have for Thomas's, then? You know, with the guy talking about when he was a kid --
BERNARD
Oh, please, don't start with this.
LORI
And how he and Sally would go skipping down to Mr. Thomas's shop -- the guy had an accent and everything --
BERNARD
(Explodes)
Why do you do this? 
(They all freeze.  LORI looks like SHE might cry again)
BERNARD (CONT'D)
No, I'm out of line, Lori, I'm sorry.  Go ahead, tell us about the commercial.
LORI
I'm really pretty tired.  Is it okay with you all if I just go up to bed?
FIONA
Of course.
NICHOLAS
Let me show you where the room is.
LORI
I can figure it out.
NICHOLAS
Yes, but it's no trouble.  I have to fetch you some towels from the airing cupboard.  Please. 
(In a butler's voice)
Allow me to "escort Madam" to her room.
(HE goes to the stairs and gestures for her to go ahead.)
Lead on, MacDuff.
(SHE glances at FIONA and BERNARD, then at NICHOLAS, and heads up the stairs.  HE follows)
BERNARD
I guess I shouldn't blow up at her like that.
FIONA
These things happen.
BERNARD
Well, tonight they sure do, anyway.
(Sipping drink)
So.  Now that the children have gone to bed, maybe we can get down to business.
(LIGHTS DOWN)

                 END OF SCENE 3

 

     ACT ONE
                   Scene 4

(We hear the Pet Shop Boys singing "Dreaming of the Queen":)

Dreaming of the Queen
Visiting for tea
You and her and I
And Lady Di
The Queen said "I'm aghast,
Love never seems to last
However hard you try,"
And Di replied
That there are no more lovers left alive
No one has survived
So there are no more lovers left alive
And that's why love has died . . .

                 SETTING:      The Thorpes' guest room.

                 AT RISE:      NICHOLAS enters, looks                                           around, and enters to remove                                       a large sheet of blackened                                       paper that    is leaning                                           against the chair.  LORI                                           enters from the guest                                           toilet, in a borrowed                                           nightgown.
NICHOLAS
Oh!  I'm so sorry!
LORI
No, hey, it's okay.  I'm just about ready to conk out.
(SHE crawls into bed.  NICHOLAS hesitates for a moment, unsure what to do)
NICHOLAS
I just came in to tidy up, remove some of this clutter. . . you see, I sometimes use this room as a storeroom.
LORI
Feel free.  All I need is a bed.
NICHOLAS
Feeling any better?
LORI
Yeah. A little.
NICHOLAS
Good.  Well, I've put fresh towels and flannels for both of you in the larger bathroom down the hall. 
LORI
Great.  I think I'm too tired and drunk to get out of bed again.  I'd be dizzy.
(Pointing to paper)
What's that?
NICHOLAS
This?  Oh.  Well, perhaps it might amuse you -- or I could show it to you in the morning.
LORI
What is it?
NICHOLAS
Oh, it's just one of my rubbings.
LORI
One of your what?
NICHOLAS
Brass rubbings.  From a tomb.  This one's from Arundel.
LORI
I'm sorry, I don't really know what you're talking about.
NICHOLAS
(Handing it to her)
You see, it was made by rubbing on the contours of a figure on a tomb.  Arundel is in Sussex.  There's a poem about the tombs there.  By Larkin.  Not this tomb.
LORI
This is really cool.
NICHOLAS
I'm a bit of a collector.  Whenever we go on holiday, I'm always nipping into the local church to see if there isn't something I can rub.
LORI
(Laughing)
No kidding.
NICHOLAS
That sounded a bit rude, actually.
LORI
Don't worry about it.  Actually, I do stuff like this with my classes sometimes.
NICHOLAS
Really?
LORI
Well, not exactly.  But we put objects -- like nickels, or, like, a leaf, or a comb -- under paper, and go over it with a crayon.
NICHOLAS
And they rub through?
LORI
Yeah, and the kids can see different textures, like cloth, or a sponge -- or sometimes, they cover construction paper with, like, waves of color -- and coat it all with black crayon.
NICHOLAS
Why?  To learn about pentimento?
LORI
Yeah, I teach them that word.  But, see, then we take toothpicks --
NICHOLAS
And scratch out pictures?
(HE sits in the chair near the bed)
LORI
Exactly.  They love carving out colors, from under the black.  And then we put the pictures up in the hall.  Some of them are actually really good.
NICHOLAS
Well.  It must brighten things up.
LORI
It makes the kids feel really proud.  Here -- thanks.
(SHE gives the rubbing back to him)
NICHOLAS
So, there's some sort of advert for crumpets on telly in America?
LORI
(Glumly)
Yeah, there was.  Ye Olde English Muffin Shop.
NICHOLAS
I find it hard to understand why your husband flies off the handle like that -- forgive me, it's none of my business --
LORI
(Speaking rapidly)
It's okay.  Bernie's just nervous.  He, like, wants to impress you guys so bad -- and I keep embarrassing him.  I'm so "Westchestuh."  And I babble.  I can't help it, even when I know I'm doing it.
NICHOLAS
He's the one behaving badly, not you.
LORI
No, I'm a babbler.  That's always my problem.  And Bernie's so smart.  He's turned me on to so many ideas, so many good books, Nick -- I wish I could tell you.  I learn a lot just being around him.
NICHOLAS
I suppose no one's in top form after a long trip.
LORI
It's hard to understand him sometimes.  I've known him for ages, so it's easier for me.
NICHOLAS
Yes, of course.  Been married a long time, have you?
LORI
Just three years, but I had a big crush on him in high school.  I was too shy to even talk to him.  Then years later, I saw him at my cousin Craig's bar mitzvah.
NICHOLAS
Craig?  Is that a Jewish name?
LORI
It is in Westchester.  So, I'd heard that he went to Princeton and won the Rhodes and all.  But I saw him, and I thought: this time I'm gonna say something.  This time I won't let him get away!
NICHOLAS
And so . . . you were married.
LORI
Yeah, well, we lived together for a long time.  I was surprised he was interested in me -- but, you know, Bernie's kind of a lonely guy.  He's got all these defense systems.  I was getting my degree in child psychology, and he didn't think it was so funny back then.  He was real supportive.
NICHOLAS
Perhaps I've misjudged him.
LORI
Bernie puts up with a lot from me.  'Cause, like, I've got all these problems, like bulimia sometimes.  And plus, I can be a little neurotic-compulsive, and I get insomnia when I'm alone.
NICHOLAS
You know, I don't think I'd even heard of bulimia, until it turned out that Princess Diana suffered from it.  I asked Fiona, I remember, and she had to tell me what it was.
LORI
Yeah?  I really felt terrible about what happened to her.
NICHOLAS
Yes, it was a dreadful thing.
LORI
It was such a shame.  She was such a beautiful person.  And those two kids . . .
NICHOLAS
Yes.
(They are silent for a moment)
LORI
I don’t think Charles and Camilla are very nice.  Bernie made fun of me for staying up all night to watch the funeral.  But I remember, when I first moved in with him, and sit was right after her divorce, and the papers kept saying how unhappy she was and all?
NICHOLAS
Mmmm.
LORI
And her lousy marriage, and how she kept trying to kill herself?  I'd see the tabloid headlines, and I'd kind of identify with her -- 'cause of the bulimia and all.  And I thought, maybe it's a bad sign for my relationship that I'm so sad for Princess Di.  But, y'know, I love Bernie so much. 
(SHE has been sinking into the pillows.  Now SHE sits up)
He just -- makes me nuts when he goes into his Grand Rabbi of Westchester routine.  He starts lecturing me, explaining stuff -- and he just out-words me.
NICHOLAS
You're not fond of verbal combat.
LORI
I'm not in his league, let's face it.  Plus, it's a weird marriage.  Like, Bernie explained to me -- he's not afraid of commitment.  But he doesn't believe in monogamy -- he thinks most marriages stifle both parties.  So, we keep things open.
NICHOLAS
You . . . well.  That must be rather rough on you.
LORI
(Shrugs)
Why?  I mean, technically, I'm free too.  But after a long day,  just want to curl up with him.  I hope this trip will be good for us.
NICHOLAS
And how are you enjoying London?
LORI
I'm so excited to be here!  I've always loved British TV shows, and movies, and accents.  It still doesn't seem real --you know, the money looks like Monopoly money.  Bernie didn't want to take me, I practically begged him.  I'm making him sound awful.  It's just -- he's so smart, and sometimes I can't keep up.
NICHOLAS
Well, it's no secret that Fiona is cleverer than I am.  I couldn't blame her if she resents it.
LORI
How did you guys meet?
NICHOLAS
At a party.  Friend of a friend.  People like her don't wander into my grey flannel circle very often.  She was all in red that night -- a great, flaming firebird.  I've always been drawn to creative people, never had a clue how to approach them.  But Fee gave me a chance.  She maintains that somewhere deep in my murky soul I'm more than just a stuffy old banker.  She does fly off the handle now and then -- she's even -- stormed off and left a few times.
LORI
Does she sleep around?
NICHOLAS
(Taken aback)
No!  That is, I -- don't rightly know.  We haven't drawn up any formal contract about that, and signed on the dotted line, the way you did, from the sound of things.
LORI
But what does she say when you ask her?
NICHOLAS
It's never really been discussed.  It's one of the subjects we talk around.
LORI
I can't understand that.  That's so weird.
NICHOLAS
Oh, elliptical conversations keep a marriage running smoothly.
LORI
(Yawns, stretches)
You don't have any kids, right?  At boarding school or anything?
NICHOLAS
No, no.  We'd like to have children.  But it's difficult, with our careers.
LORI
Yeah, Bernie keeps telling me wait, wait.  But if he makes your wife's movie, maybe he'll be secure enough about WaveLine to start a family.
NICHOLAS
It may not seem as if Fiona and I are well-suited.  But I do think I do her good -- she needs someone steady and sensible to fall back on.
LORI
Oh, I know Bernie needs me too.  We've got this crazy co-dependent thing going.
NICHOLAS
You know, I can't believe I'm talking about my personal life like this with someone I've only just met.  It's quite extraordinary.
LORI
(Smiles)
That's because I studied to be a shrink, got my degree and all.  We're trained to get people to open up.
NICHOLAS
I suppose that must be it.  You look as though you're half nodding off.
LORI
It's just been such a long day.  And last night I couldn't sleep -- I was scared of flying.
NICHOLAS
Of course, you must be knackered.  I'll let you get some rest.
(HE stands.  LORI sits up, alarmed)
LORI
No, don't go yet, please.  Like I said, I have trouble falling asleep when I'm alone.  I've got a stuffed bear at home from when I was little, but Bernie didn't want me to take it, and I was scared the luggage would get lost.
NICHOLAS
(Sitting)
Would you like me to stay here for just a bit?
LORI
If you don't mind.  That would be really nice.
NICHOLAS
To be honest, I'm not very keen to go back down there and listen to them row about that film.
LORI
They're probably having fun in their own way.  And I think we were both very good tonight, trying to ease the tension, you and me.
NICHOLAS
Yes, we did our duty, with a few minor foul-ups here and there.  You mustn't mind what I said earlier about Jews.  It's just -- I don't believe I've ever met a Jewish person before.  Actually knowing that he was Jewish.
LORI
(Murmurs)
That's weird.  I'm so tired, I feel like I'm floating out of the bed.  Why don't you sing me some kind of British lullabye?
(Startled, NICHOLAS clears his throat)
NICHOLAS
Ah.  I'm afraid -- my singing voice -- But, perhaps I could start telling you about what I do all day at the bank.  That usually helps Fiona drift off.
LORI
Could you just sit there, Nick?  Could you switch off the light, and sit there, and just wait till I fall asleep?
NICHOLAS
Absolutely.
(HE gets up and switches off the light.  They are now both silhouettes, as HE sits once more, on his chair)
LORI
Thank you.
NICHOLAS
Not at all.
LORI
You're a nice guy.
NICHOLAS
Pleasant dreams.
(LIGHTS DOWN)

                                END OF SCENE 4

    ACT ONE

                 Scene 5

    (During the scene change, we hear
                Rita Hayworth singing "What Does an
                English Girl Think of a Yank?":)

What does an English girl
Think of a Yank?
Oh, he's a doll,
And just as solid as a tank
What does an English girl
Think of his looks?
And when he says "What's cookin'?"
Does she know what cooks?

                        SETTING:      The same as Scene 3.

                    AT RISE:     BERNARD and FIONA sit on                                                       the couch, sipping                                               drinks, mid-conversation.

BERNARD
All I'm saying is, you guys are taking such good care of us --I thought Lori and I could return the favor.  New York's a great city.  With a lot to see.
FIONA
So I've heard.
(A beat)
I suppose I do have a few people in mind for Harriet.  It's quite a demanding role.
BERNARD
Sure it is, it's a great role.  You've really captured her on paper.  Even when she leaves her husband to travel with Mill, we're rooting for her all the way.
FIONA
You didn't disapprove, then?
BERNARD
(Not just speaking about Harriet)
Not at all.  She's totally sympathetic.  Her husband isn't a bad guy, but he just isn't on her level intellectually, and Mill is, and she needs that challenge.
FIONA
But won't it shock an American audience when she goes off and does that?
BERNARD
Well, if we play it your way and they never even shtup, I don't see a problem.  But, seriously, Fiona, they don't need to get sexual until the husband's dead and they get married.
FIONA
What if they never did have it off, Bernard?  What if it was a chaste union?  Doesn't historical accuracy matter in the least?
BERNARD
It matters, but hell, you gotta be flexible.  This isn't a documentary  we're making here.  And in terms of what's dramatic, in terms of giving characters an arc . . . Think of "Shadowlands," with Anthony Hopkins as that repressed old writer guy.
FIONA
C.S. Lewis.
BERNARD
Exactly.  And he learns to express his feelings of love, even physical love.  That can be powerful.
FIONA
But I'm trying to create the mood of another century -- and write about a very unusual couple.
BERNARD
(Slightly sexual)
And you do it -- I got all that.  They can be repressed.  Repression is very erotic.
(Back to business)
But you've made these people all philosophical debate.  It even plays like Harriet told Mill what to think, and wrote his best stuff for him.
FIONA
There's a school of thought that says she did.  Mill indicates that many of his ideas were originally hers, in his autobiography, and in "On the Subjection of Women."
BERNARD
Yes, she helped him, she was his muse --
FIONA
(Annoyed)
She was a great deal more than that!
BERNARD
Fiona, I know a little about this stuff, too.  I read literature when I was at Oxford--
FIONA
What has that got to do with it?
BERNARD
And I took a lot of philosophy courses at Princeton.  And I think Mill wrote Mill, and he was a great man, and he deserves to get laid in your movie.
FIONA
I see.
BERNARD
Now, I hate to tell you, but you don't take criticism well.  And in New York, you'll meet potential backers who'll all want to put their two cents in.
FIONA
(Bewildered)
What do you mean?
BERNARD
They'll all have notes.  And the trick is to make them feel like they have input, but hang on to the heart of the picture.  It's tricky, but I think we can do it.
FIONA
I don't believe this.  I'm sorry, but you definitely gave me the impression that WaveLine, in association with High Street Films, would put up the money.
BERNARD
Sure, we're setting up the package --
FIONA
Five to seven million, you said.
BERNARD
Hey, Fiona, listen.  Maybe I didn't spell it out to you, about needing other backers, but that's because I figured you knew the business.
FIONA
I do know the business.
BERNARD
Okay, then.  We've got a small indie company at WaveLine.  We've made some art films we've lost money on, and one shlock thriller we made it back with.  This could be the breakout film for both of us -- you and me. 
BERNARD (CONT'D)
A highbrow period piece and a sleeper -- but you can't expect WaveLine to do it alone.  Just 'cause we're American, that doesn't mean we're made of money.
FIONA
How much have you got, right this moment?
BERNARD
How much have I got?  How much is the company worth?  I don't believe this.  I've been busting my ass for a month, talking to people . . .
FIONA
What is it, exactly, that you're offering me?
BERNARD
I'm offering to get this picture made!  I can pull it together.  You don't have to worry about it.  But you gotta make a few concessions.
FIONA
(Pouring more white wine)
All right then, here's a concession.  Perhaps your actress friend could play Mill's maid.
BERNARD
What?
FIONA
It's important.  Carlyle comes round and drops off his history of the French Revolution, the maid can't read and thinks it's a bundle of scrap paper and burns the lot in the fireplace.  Carlyle has to write it all over again.
BERNARD
I know.  I've read your screenplay.
FIONA
Well, it really happened.  Mill and Harriet felt dreadful, of course.  I don't know what happened to the maid -- I assume she was sacked.  We could expand the role a bit.  She could even play it as an American, I don't mind.
BERNARD
Fiona, I'm trying to have a serious talk with you about this.
FIONA
Well, it's a nice comic role, she could have fun with it, her first "highbrow" film --
BERNARD
Don't be bullshitting me, I know how to bullshit people.  This girl's father is not going to put up a couple million so his daughter can play a maid.  And Blair is a beautiful, glamorous woman.  She's never gonna go for it.
(FIONA studies him for a moment)
FIONA
You've slept with her, haven't you.
BERNARD
What?
FIONA
The actress.  She's your bit on the side.
BERNARD
Oh, please.
FIONA
She's your mistress, and you've promised her a role in this film.
BERNARD
No, I have not slept with her.  But I'll tell you what, I would if I thought it could help us get this picture made.
FIONA
Why are you so insistent about this?
BERNARD
Fiona, don't you understand?  All the other Rhodes scholars from my year -- they all went to law school.  They're either in politics now, in office, some of them, or working a twenty-hour day at some corporate law firm.  I didn't go that route.  But I'll look like a fucking idiot if I can't make a film I'm proud of.  One that does more than just play in festivals in Greenwich Village.  I believe we've got a good -- no, a great script here.  This is the project that will blow the sky wide open -- for both of us!
FIONA
(Slightly sexual)
You really want this, don't you?
BERNARD
Yes, I really do.
FIONA
But if you try to make me compromise everything away --
BERNARD
I'm not, you've just got to trust me.  My God, it's not like you've got much choice here.
FIONA
What do you mean?
BERNARD
Well, frankly, it doesn't seem like James Merchant is banging down the door to make your movie.
FIONA
(Stung)
Now, look, just where the hell do you think you get off --
BERNARD
I'm just saying.  You're hungry.  Like me.  And hungry people get things done.
(Beat)
FIONA
I don't know what you'll spring on me next.  You say you care about the film, but all you seem to talk about is money.
BERNARD
Oh, I see, and you're above money.  I forgot, people don't earn or spend money over here, that's vulgar.  They're just supposed to inherit it.
FIONA
You just seem very quick to let the sordid side of things take over.
BERNARD
The sordid side of things is my department.  You shouldn't soil your hands with it.  But I hope you want people to see your film.
FIONA
Yes!
BERNARD
Well, then, there are commercial considerations.  You target the American audience, just 'cause we've got more warm butts filling seats in America.  And we don't know from John Stuart Mill.  You have to teach us.  You have to give us visuals, and some sex and some humor, you have to take us by the hand and show why these people are important.  Maybe with a flashback montage of Mill's childhood--
FIONA
(Incredulous)
Flashback montage?
BERNARD
Yes!  His father was a Utilitarian nut, right?  He raised Mill to be some kind of thinking machine.  So, show that.  Begin with a montage of Mill being catechised and drilled, at age three, learning Latin, looking out the window while other boys get to play cricket or whatever -- then they'll understand why he's such a basket case.  That's the beginning of your picture.  And again, when her husband's dying -- it's gloomy.  Too much staggering toward the chamber pot, and Harriet weeping and tucking him in.  Speed it up, take out the dialogue.
(Snapping fingers)
You can show it all in a few quick cuts.
FIONA
(Very upset)
Don't you see?  That's not what I'm trying to do.  This isn't about chop chop video editing.  It's all to do with pacing--
BERNIE
Exactly!
FIONA
No!  It has to be filmed as a stately Victorian narrative --
BERNARD
Or not at all.
FIONA
Yes.  Or not at all.  Bernard --
BERNARD
Call me Bernie.
FIONA
Bernie.  I know you mean well.  I do.  And believe me, I want to see this film made.  But I honestly don't think this is going to work.  We don't speak the same language.
BERNARD
Look, you know what, it's been a long day, we got a whole week to hash things out --
FIONA
No, really.  I think I'd better be firm now, while I still have the resolve.  I made a promise to myself, before you arrived.  I'm not going to let this be done to my screenplay.  I'd rather that it not be filmed.  I'm afraid that's my final decision.
(Both realize that they can now freely vent their hostility and frustration)
BERNARD
So.  That's it.  I bust my ass finding you backers, I work up a set of ideas, and I come all the way over here for nothing, huh?
FIONA
Of course, you and Lori are quite welcome to stay with us for the remainder of your time here -- or until you can make other plans.
BERNARD
Really.  Well, that's very generous of you.  The warmth and kindness of the English always knocks me out.
FIONA
Does it.
BERNARD
I can't believe I thought I could find flexibility in a narrow-minded, sanctimonious Brit.
FIONA
I think perhaps you'd better --
BERNARD       
You are completely negative, lady, completely rigid, smug and self-satisfied -- like everyone else in this goddamned country!  I don’t know why we even try.
FIONA
Oh, and so I suppose the answer is, if we’re not properly grateful and respectful, if we don't appreciate American patronage, and grovel, and lick your hands, and jump to attention when you tell us to --
BERNARD
Look at this whole attitude of yours: like I’m threatening you, or I’m corrupting you.  Like sneering at me and rejecting my ideas is a way to strike a blow for your country against mine.  You hate your leaders for being our allies, and you resent America’s leadership and position in the world because you think it should still be the UK running things -- but do you really need to get so choked up with spite and envy that you go looking for individual Americans to turn up your little nose at?
FIONA
(Incredulous)
Listen to you.  You really believe what you’re saying, don’t you.
BERNARD
Always.
FIONA
Well then, hear this, you arrogant, infantile Yank.  Your great America has lied, bullied, and made a complete ball’s up of policy in the East and everywhere else, but we stand by you anyway -- God knows why -- maybe because we think of you as our dim-witted younger brother and someone has got to wipe your nose and tell you when your fly is hanging open.  No one else will do it for you, everybody else hates you -- yes, hates you -- and we know why, but we seem to have some sort of -- residual affection, and so we put our soldiers’ lives on the line, and compromise our national integrity and our respect for international law, we let you soil us by association --
BERNARD
Aw, don’t hold back, honey.  Tell me how you really feel.
FIONA
But I suppose, since you feel no need to work with the rest of the family of nations, when you decide we’ve outlived our usefulness completely, you’ll simply buy us out, or invade us, like you do the countries with something to plunder, or one of your little neighbors.
BERNARD
Our neighbors?
FIONA
Yes, is Cuba next on the list for re-conquering, or must it take a back seat to more oil producing nations?  How about  invading Venezuela -- they’re in your “sphere of influence” and they’ve got petroleum as well!
BERNARD
You know, it’s that kind of P.C., inaccurate English garbage  -- Whoever we’re pushing around right now we’re doing it with your help and blessing.  We never wanted an “Empire” in the sense that you people --
FIONA
No, not as directly. You don’t own up to it.  You put spin on it.   But you still see the world as your very own --
BERNARD
Oh Christ, am I sick of that!  That's all I got over here when I was a student.  This Greenham Common self-righteous crap.
(Fake accent)
"Oh, hoorah, let's bash a Yank to save Nick-uh-rag-yu-uh!"  Why don't you people at least learn to pronounce these things, huh?  And why do you assume every American is Ronald Reagan incarnate, or a Bush?  I didn't assume every fucking Brit was Mrs. Thatcher.
   FIONA
(Upset, voicing concerns SHE really cares about)
Perhaps people assumed things about you because you're rude and aggressive and you try to push them around -- like Rambo Reagan with his cutthroat Contras, or Bush the First -- or his ridiculous, driveling idiot off-spring bumbling about on the world stage, scrapping every international body and instrument of diplomacy, handing down edicts of doom for Planet Earth which he can’t even pronounce.  Oh, excuse me!  Am I being impertinent if I mention that you have elected a chimpanzee who is now sitting --
BERNARD
Hey, look, we don’t like it either --
FIONA
And of course, Tony Blair just rolls over to let Dubya tickle his tummy, every time, because that’s what our PMs do, isn’t it, for every ugly American demigod you vomit up, but if you think for a moment that the rest of us will stand by --
BERNARD
Dammit, we still don’t know for sure he was ever elected --
FIONA
And I have some news for you and for your “president.”  And your hideous, grinning Donald Rumsfeld.  The rest of the world is not your barbecue pit, nor your rubbish tip --
      BERNARD
Oh, here we go.  Let it all hang out, now, go ahead.  Take your best shot.

                (HE spreads his arms wide, making
                himself a target, and sloshes his
                drink in the process)
   FIONA
You think you've a right to dominate everyone and everything on the planet, and that you're doing us all an enormous favor.
   BERNARD
Whatever you say, sweetheart.
   FIONA
But your shouting and swaggering only prove how pathetic and insecure you are.  Everyone knows Americans have such huge cars, and cameras with ten meter lenses projecting out of their flowered Hawaiian shirts, because they're afraid something else is too small.
BERNARD
Really.
FIONA
You're ignorant of every other culture and language, you don't even know the geography of your own country, or what's to the north and the south of you --
BERNARD
Damn.  I've never visited a country with women as cold and unnatural as here.  I mean you're nasty, and you just cut men dead -- no wonder the guys here are a bunch of scared, pussy-whipped wimps.
FIONA
Unlike American macho men.

                (SHE pronounces the first syllable
                of “macho” to rhyme with “catch.”
                HE mimics her)
BERNARD
Yeah, I guess I do seem a little "match-o" over here, but I don't care.  I flew all the way across the Atlantic, and I've had to humor you all evening --
FIONA
Oh, you've been humouring me?  Funny, I thought my husband and I had done our best to kiss your American arse.
BERNARD
Yeah, well, you would think that.  You people have no sense of being neighborly.  You hate your own children.  You prefer your cats and your corgies and your little budgie birds--
FIONA
(Almost amused, it's so idiotic)
We hate children?
BERNARD
(Half-joking)
Yeah, that's why you pack them off to boarding school at the age of three, and shove them up chimneys and down coal   mines --
FIONA
Aren't you generalising just a little bit?
BERNARD
And your cuisine.  It's the only explanation.  You're punishing your young.  You're trying to bland them to death.
FIONA
I think perhaps you've had too much to drink.
BERNARD
We've both had too much to drink.  But explain lardy cake to me, lady.  I tried it.  That's not a pastry.  That's an act of hostility.
FIONA
You're being silly.

                (BERNIE is drunk, and tired,
                and taking their mutual bashing
                to an absurd extreme on
                purpose)
BERNARD
I'm being totally serious.  Every dessert here is some kind of soggy bread, and you pour glop over it and call it jam roly-poly, or toad in the hole, or spotted dick . . .
FIONA
Well, we certainly have nothing to compare with the great American cuisine you lavish on the world.  The Whopper.  The Egg McMuffin.  The Chicken McNugget.  The sun never sets on MacDonalds' golden arches.
BERNARD
You savor offal.  Lard, kidneys, intestines, brains, blood.  You eat rabbits and squirrels, and other small rodents I have no doubt--
FIONA
(Laughs)
Now you are being silly.
 BERNARD
Hey, I'm not making it up.  You think potatoes are, like, a serious vegetable.  I used to wonder about the Irish potato famine -- you know, why didn't they just eat broccoli instead?  Then I came over here and found out: potatoes are all there is.  Potatoes with every fucking meal.

                (His attempts to lighten the
                mood have finally worked.  They size each                                   other up for a moment.)
FIONA
It's odd.  I find you both repellent and amusing.
BERNARD
Why, thank you.  So, now that we’ve cleared the air, worked through some issues, and jettisoned some of the baggage -- you gonna let me help you make that movie?
FIONA
You don't give up, do you.
BERNARD
Nope.  Knock me down, and I come back for more.
FIONA
It's fun to have someone to spar with.
BERNARD
Yes, it is.  Keeps me on my toes.
FIONA
At least we’re well-matched in our appreciation of each other’s country.       
BERNARD
Balance.  Balance is key.
FIONA
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
BERNARD       
Ready for another round?
FIONA
All right!

                (SHE smashes her glass
                against the wall)
FIONA (CONT'D)
En garde!

                (BERNARD is startled -- then
                grins and does the same)
BERNARD
Heads up, Brit.
FIONA
What shall we insult about each other next?
BERNARD
Oh, next comes the physical assault round.
FIONA
Oh?
BERNARD
This is where you prove yourself at the manly art of self-defense.  Let's go.

                (HE picks up a sofa cushion and
                pokes her with it)
FIONA
(Laughing)
Stop it!

(SHE picks up another cushion: what follows is essentially a drunken pillow fight.  BERNIE puts on a Monty Python voice, from the Spanish Inquisition)
BERNIE
You like the Pythons?  "Old woman! How do you plead?  Confess! Confess!"

                (They are both nearly falling
                over with laughter.) 

                (At last, FIONA in the midst of fighting,
                puts her arms around him and
                kisses him on the lips.  His arms
                come up to embrace her)

(LIGHTS DOWN) 

                              END OF ACT I
    

                            ACT TWO
 
   
                    (While the lights are down, we
                    hear part of the Pet Shop Boys'
                    song "Two Divided by Zero":)

We'll catch a plane to New York
Get a cab going down
Cross the bridges and tunnels
Straight into town
When the postman calls we'll be miles away
On another continent and another day

Let's not go home
Or call it a day
You won't be alone
Let's run away
              Scene 1

                  SETTING:     NICHOLAS and FIONA's
                               New York hotel room.

                  AT RISE:     It is their second day in                                         the US.  SHE is in her                                             slip, holding sexy, fancy                                         dresses before her in front                                        of a large mirror.  More                                         are on the bed.                                              
                                        NICHOLAS enters, from the                                         bathroom.  HE studies her a                                         moment.

NICHOLAS
You're really going to wear one of those?
FIONA
I brought them.  I may as well.

                (Her tone is light, brisk, amused. 
                SHE speaks to him as if HE were a
                silly child -- until just before the
                end of the scene)
NICHOLAS
I thought we were having breakfast at their flat.
FIONA
We are.  Bernie's sticking up for American cooking.
NICHOLAS
You didn't get half that dressed up last night.
FIONA
Oh well, you always manage to pick such frumpy, dowdy places.
NICHOLAS
You liked the look of it yourself.  You said so.
FIONA
Let's not argue about it.  Anyhow, I feel like dressing up this morning, that's all.

                (HE continues to stare at her as
                SHE happily poses with a dress)
NICHOLAS
I've been trying to be a good sport about this, Fee.  But there's no need to rub my face in it.
FIONA
I knew it was mad for you to come with me.  I knew you'd sulk the whole time.  I did warn you.
 NICHOLAS
(Reluctantly direct)
Then you really do mean to continue this affair?
 FIONA
We have no definite plans one way or the other.  Whatever happens happens.  Bernie is trying to teach me to be more spontaneous.  I doubt I'd ever learn that from you.
 NICHOLAS
No.  There are things I value more than -- spontaneity.
(SHE turns to confront him directly --still light.  Even her reproaches are playful and teasing)
 FIONA
Then why on earth did you suddenly insist on coming?  I mean it, Nick, why are you here?  It's very awkward.
 NICHOLAS
You're my wife.  My place is with you.
 FIONA
Most of the time, yes.  At the moment, if you don't want your face "rubbed in" things, it makes for a hopeless situation.
 NICHOLAS
You don't know what you're doing.  You haven't really thought.  You're on unfamiliar ground, and you need looking after.
 FIONA
So you came along as my chaperone?
NICHOLAS
No.  But perhaps I did come along . . . as your conscience.

                    (SHE takes up another dress,
                    turns away from him again)
FIONA
Oh, lucky me.
NICHOLAS
And I think the reason you're being so arch and breezy and bright right now is because your conscience is troubling you.
FIONA
(Pulling on dress)
So you are.  But I think you came along to see Bernie's little wife again.
NICHOLAS
To see Lori?
FIONA
That's the wife I meant.  I think you fancy her.
NICHOLAS
Don't talk rot.
FIONA
You'd taken her everywhere by the end of their visit.  You've never taken me to see the crown jewels.  Not one sodding tiara.
NICHOLAS
You put us both in an extraordinary position.  Half the week had gone by before we knew for sure that you and her husband were -- carrying on.  Lori realized it much sooner than I did.
FIONA
Did she?  Perhaps she's not as thick as she looks.  Of course, it would be hard for anyone to be as thick as she looks.
NICHOLAS
Fiona . . .
FIONA
Yes?  What is it?  Spit it out.
NICHOLAS
Nothing.  Never mind.
FIONA
Alright, then.
NICHOLAS
(Forcing himself)
Fiona, this is not easy for me.  But -- I've got to have this out with you.
FIONA
(Still impenetrably breezy)
Oh dear, no ultimatums before breakfast.  We haven't even seen them yet.  Perhaps he'll have grown one of those horrid little goatees, and I'll have gone off him, and he'll have gone off me, and it will all be for nothing.
NICHOLAS
This goes beyond whether or not you sleep with Bernard again.  I've just been thinking.
FIONA
And what have you been thinking?
NICHOLAS
I'm worried about you, Fiona.

                (FIONA is experimenting with a
                silk scarf: should SHE wear it
                around her neck?  Her waist?  In
                her hair?)
FIONA
Worried?  Why?
NICHOLAS
I'm afraid that you're not a very nice person.
FIONA
You fear for my immortal soul, do you?
NICHOLAS
Not especially.  I'm just worried that you're not -- nice.
FIONA
Well, Nick, to be honest, I've never particularly aspired to being "nice."  That's a bit too bourgeois for me.
NICHOLAS
I don't mean nice in some wet, twee sense: "Oh, isn't that nice!"  I mean kindness, compassion, basic decency.
FIONA
And I have none of those qualities.
NICHOLAS
I'm beginning to wonder.
FIONA
Well, it still sounds as if you're worried about you, then, and not me.
(SHE smooths out the dress and turnsher back to him: a silent wifely command.  HE hesitates -- then, zips her up as HE always does)
NICHOLAS
No, I believe I'm worried about you.  Because I'm afraid that people who aren't nice wind up unhappy in the end.
FIONA
Well, but look at you.  You're as nice as can be, and you're perfectly miserable.
NICHOLAS
It's the long run I'm talking about.  The general scheme of things.
FIONA
Oh, I think we both know loads of not-nice, extremely unpleasant people who are wildly happy.  Gareth, Prue, the Boyles.  I'm sorry, I don't mean to bollocks up your theory --
NICHOLAS
Are they really happy?  When they're alone with themselves?
FIONA
Spare me.
NICHOLAS
I'm worried that you don't really like yourself right now, Fiona, that you're rushing headlong into something you'll regret.   
FIONA
Is that a threat, darling?  Are you saying if I don't give up Bernard you'll be off?  After all, it is coming down to an ultimatum.
NICHOLAS
I'm saying nothing definite.  I doubt very much I'd ever have the strength to leave you.  But if you turn our marriage into something shabby, it will reflect badly on you as well as me.  And if you do things for money, not love --
FIONA
(Challenging)
What sort of things?
NICHOLAS
Fiona, you used to talk about being a pimp, whoring your screenplay for American money.
FIONA
And you're saying now I'm my own pimp.  I'm whoring myself.
NICHOLAS
Something like that.  Perhaps.  I don't know, I can't be objective.
 
                (SHE stares at him for a moment,                                  then picks up the brush to brush                                  out her hair)
FIONA
You know, I believe I was attracted to Bernard from the first time I spoke to him on the telephone.  That false swagger they all think it's necessary to put on.  It amused me.  That's why I was so testy about him -- I knew I'd find him charming.
NICHOLAS
I think you are attracted to him.  But I don't know how much of this affair is about attraction and how much is about trying to get your film made.  And at the end of the day, I don't think you know either.  It's two kinds of negotiation that don't mix well --
FIONA
(Stung)
Piss off!
NICHOLAS
(Quietly)
Yes, dear.
(Getting his coat, moving to the door)
I'll just wait down in the lobby, shall I?

(HE exits.  LIGHTS DOWN)

                                      END OF SCENE ONE

ACT TWO
               Scene 2

        (During the scene change, we
                    hear the strains of Tammy Wynette,
                    singing her most important tune:)

Sometimes, it's hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad times and he'll have good times
Doing things that you don't understand . . .

               SETTING:      BERNARD and LORI's apartment.                                       The front door, the living                                      room and the kitchen nook are                                      visible.

               AT RISE:      BERNARD moves around the                                          kitchen nook, cleaning,                                          arranging fruit in a bowl.  A                                      pan of sausages stands on the                                      stove, and a bowl of cream                                      and a plate of pancakes                                         are on the counter.  LORI                                          stands watching him.

LORI
Bernie?
BERNARD
Mmm.  Where's that bowl of blueberries?  Did you see what I did with it?
LORI
Bernie, I've been trying since last night --
BERNARD
It's okay, I'll find it myself.
(Picking it up)
Here we go.
(HE sprinkles some into the bowl of cream.  SHE is frustrated with his preoccupation, and his bored, mild manner of speaking)
LORI
Bernie, will you stop moving around and talk to me?
BERNARD
Lori, we gotta get ready here.  I'm listening to you, keep talking.
LORI
Bernie, I can't keep this up.  I really don't feel good about things between us.  We never make love anymore --
BERNARD
That seemed to be your idea.  You burst into tears every time I come near you.
LORI
Well, maybe I just can't take this arrangement.  It's --brutalizing.
BERNARD
Which arrangement?
LORI
The one you built into our marriage.  I just -- can't take it.
BERNARD
We've been living this way for six years now, Lori.  We're solid.  I don't see why you're suddenly making an issue of this.
LORI
I'm not suddenly -- I've never felt good about it.
BERNARD
Then you were foolish to agree to it.  'Cause I was pretty clear about my needs, and how I want to live my life.
LORI
Anyway, it's different this time.  It's not like all your other quickie fucks.  When you talk to her long distance     . . . or the way you're getting ready for her coming over.  It is different this time, Bernie, be honest.  Can you please put the spatula down and be honest with me?
BERNARD
(Fussing with the pan of sausages)
I'll be honest with you while I'm making breakfast.
LORI
No!  I'm tired of talking to your back.
(SHE starts to cry.  BERNARD turns around, a bit more willing to try to mollify her)
BERNARD
Lori, I don't know what to say.  None of this is new.  I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you're being a little irrational right now.
(LORI says something incoherent; SHE is crying too hard to be understood.  It comes out as a squeal almost.  HE hands her a Kleenex, and rubs her shoulder.)
BERNARD (CONT'D)
What?  Slow down, I can't hear.  Try taking it a couple octaves lower.
LORI
You -- told me you cared about me most of all.  That whatever else happened, you would always come back to me, and love me.
BERNARD
That's right.  That's what I said.
LORI
That's what you said years ago.  I don't get anything from you now -- nothing loving and kind.
BERNARD
You want me to repeat the same thing, day after day?
LORI
Yes!  If you really mean it, you should tell me every day.
BERNARD
I'm sorry you have so little self-esteem, and so little faith in our relationship.
LORI
Bernie, you never say anything nice to me anymore.  But you joke and whisper to her on the phone, and send her dirty     e-mail --
BERNARD
(Indignant)
Have you been reading my e-mail file?  Are you spying on me now?
LORI
No, but -- my God, I can hear you in your study, chortling over your computer.
BERNARD
These sausages are cold, I better nuke 'em.
(Pops them into the microwave)
Look, you have a hyperactive imagination.  Yes, we do talk on the phone, and we do send e-mail.  We're working on a project together and it's important to my future -- to our future.  You say you want to have a baby?  Let me make one film I can be proud of, and then we'll have a baby.
LORI
You've been saying that for ages.
BERNARD
And this time I am that close to getting it done.
(LORI tries another approach.  SHE is genuinely trying to get through to BERNARD -- not just mocking him)
LORI
Bernie, you want to be something you're not.  You're more in love with the British than I am.  You think they're so classy and wonderful, you think you're going to make this big, elegant Merchant-Ivory film --
BERNARD
I really don't need you doing your psycho-analytic routine right now --
LORI
And you went out and bought that fat, deluxe edition of Jane Austen, just so she'll see it on our shelf.
BERNARD
(Irritated, defensive)
I happen to like Jane Austen.
LORI
You think by making this picture and by fucking her, some of their world will rub off on you -- what you couldn't be part of when you were a Rhodes scholar.  But, sweetheart, you'll never be part of that world, in her eyes or anyone else's. You'll never get their acceptance or approval.
BERNARD
Lori.  I need you to either help me make breakfast, or get out of the way.  And I need you to either sue me for divorce, or accept our marriage for what it is, within the framework that we've created.
LORI
I used to try to accept things this way -- but you've changed!
BERNARD
I have not changed at all.  You know the rules, and you agreed to them.  You are free to pursue other relationships also, and when they end I'll still be here for you.  But if what you're saying is true, if this relationship is no longer working, it can also be ended.
LORI
(Near tears)
I'm not asking to end our marriage.  God, why is it every time I say I'm not happy or I want to work things out, you shut me up by threatening to dump me?           
BERNARD
You really treasure the passive victim role, don't you?
LORI
I can't help it if you treat me badly.
BERNARD
But why is it always me treating you some way, hurting you, doing things to you?  Are you a child?  Are you some object that I can pick up and set down like this plate?
(Demonstrates)
You say you're afraid I'm going to dump you -- are you a load of garbage or laundry that I can "dump"?
LORI
You keep acting like you're going to break up with me,  Bernie --
BERNARD
"Break up," "dump," I've never understood that kind of violent language.  It degrades both parties.  Two people have something going, they get together, it's good or it's not, it lasts or it doesn't.  It's an organic process, and both parties contribute.  Why not describe it appropriately?
LORI
You always do this, every time we argue.  You split hairs and get into word games to avoid what I'm saying.
BERNARD
This is about more than just semantics.  It's a philosophical difference.  And we're not having an argument.  We're having a conversation.
LORI
(Stamps her foot)
No we fucking are not!  We are not having a conversation!  We are having an argument!  Do you hear me?  We are having an argument!  Because I say so!

(HE stares at her, amused.  Then, mildly:)
BERNARD
Another pristine pyramid of logic.  Too bad you were never a senator in ancient Rome, Lori.  What an orator you would have made.
LORI
(Defeated)
I'm going to go lie down until they get here.
(The doorbell sounds)
BERNARD
Whoops.  Too late.
(HE moves to answer it.  SHE stands, uncertain.  BERNARD opens the door; FIONA, and then NICHOLAS, enter.  FIONA carries an overnight bag.  The hem of a dress peeks out of it)
BERNARD (CONT'D)
Hey!  You made it.  Good timing.
(He hugs FIONA, and gives her a peck on the cheek)
BERNARD (CONT'D)
Nick!  Great you could be here too.
(HE is about to offer his hand for NICHOLAS to shake, but then catches his hostile expression, and just slaps him on the shoulder a few times)
BERNARD (CONT'D)
We thought, for awhile there, that Fiona would be coming over all on her lonesome.
NICHOLAS
No.  I was -- able to take a leave of absence from the bank.
BERNARD
That's terrific.  Glad to have you with us, the more the merrier.  Breakfast is almost ready.
(FIONA follows him into the kitchen nook.  NICHOLAS and LORI trail behind)
FIONA
How have you been, Lori?
LORI
(Mumbled)
Fine.  Yourself?
FIONA
We've been having a marvelous time.  We attempted to take the subway yesterday, and got royally lost.  Ended up in Queens, at one point.
LORI
It happens.
FIONA
Very different from the Underground.
(LORI screws up her courage and indicates FIONA's overnight bag)
LORI
Planning to stay awhile, huh?
FIONA
What?  Oh no, I just wanted to consult Bernie on what I should wear to those meetings he has lined up for tomorrow.  Something prim, something casual -- perhaps you could advise me as well.
LORI
Oh, I really don't think you should be asking me.
(A tense pause)
BERNARD
Hey, can I get you guys anything?  Orange juice, apple juice?
FIONA
Apple juice sounds about right.
BERNARD
Nick, how 'bout it?  Nice glass of apple juice?  Huh?
NICHOLAS
Fine.
BERNARD
Okay, coming up.
(HE pours)
Oh, and Nick, can I give you some rocks?
NICHOLAS
(Sharply)
What?
BERNARD
(Smiling)
Would you like a couple of rocks?  For your apple juice?
NICHOLAS
No, thanks.
BERNARD
Straight up then, huh?

(HE hands them the drinks)
FIONA
We had dinner at that place -- the Rainbow Room last evening.  Well, I suppose we can plant a flag now, and say we’ve done it.
BERNARD
Yeah?  I've never been.  Have you, Lori?  Lori?
LORI
Nope.
BERNARD
Native New Yorkers don't get around to it, you know how it is.
(NICHOLAS has picked up a pair of silver chopsticks which lay near the phone on the counter dividing the kitchen nook from the living room.  HE holds them to the light)
BERNARD (CONT'D)
Yeah, aren't those nice, Nick?  Real silver.  We eat take-out Chinese so much, it seemed like a good investment.
FIONA
There's quite a good take-away in our road -- well, of course, we took you there.
BERNARD
Well, yeah, it was okay.  But British Chinese food -- don't get me started.
(Peers at NICHOLAS)
You're holding that chopstick up like a lethal weapon, Nick.  You ever do any fencing?
NICHOLAS
No.
(BERNARD goads him, takes the other chopstick from his hand)
BERNARD
I did, at Princeton.  The reason I ask is, you look like you'd like to challenge someone to a duel.  Are you a dueling kinda guy?
(HE knocks his chopstick against NICHOLAS's, and moves as if they are swordfighting.  NICHOLAS looks at him, furious and helpless.  HE's almost ready to throw the chopstick at BERNARD or do something violent.  HE forces himself to set it gently on the counter, and moves away)
BERNARD (CONT'D)
I guess not.  Well, hang on a second, folks.  The sausages are ready.
FIONA
Bernie, how wonderful.  You've made a feast.
        BERNARD
Yup.  Eggs, sausages, and a mountain of pancakes.  A big old American breakfast.
(HE carries the platter of pancakes into the living room.  LORI realizes SHE wants to get out of there)
LORI
You know what, honey?  I've just realized, I'm not really hungry.  I'm gonna have to skip your big breakfast.
BERNARD
Lori, don't start in with this.  I've been cooking all  morning --
LORI
Yeah, but I promised to show Nick around Manhattan if he came over, and I've been thinking.  If we leave now, we can see Chinatown, and grab a bowl of noodles or something --
BERNARD
At nine-thirty in the morning?
LORI
Sure, and then maybe we'd still have time to take the ferry out and visit the Ellis Island Museum.  Wouldn't you like that, Nick?
(NICHOLAS, torn, uneasy, glances from FIONA to BERNARD, then back to LORI)
NICHOLAS
I -- don't know.
BERNARD
(Annoyed)
You can go after breakfast, honey.  There's plenty of time.  I got enough here to feed an army.
LORI
No, I think you and Fiona should have it all.  We want to get an early start, there's so much to see at the museum.  I don’t think we should visit Ground Zero, though.  It just makes me sad.  Unless you want to.  And  we don't have to go up the Statue of Liberty -- really, Nick, the museum's much more fun.
BERNARD
Folks, the food is ready -- right now.
FIONA
(With meaning)
Bernie, if they really want to go, I don't think we ought to stop them.
NICHOLAS
Wouldn't you rather -- spend the day with me instead, Fiona?
FIONA
Nicholas.  Let's not be rude.  Bernie's made this lovely breakfast -- we can't all run out on him.  And then he and I have to talk about the film.
NICHOLAS
That's your decision.  You're -- quite sure that you want to stay here, then?
FIONA
Quite sure.  But you run along.
NICHOLAS
Fee --
BERNARD
Actually, come to think of it, I can scratch the rest of the food.  We can do it some other time.
NICHOLAS
(Barely contained fury)
You stay out of this.  I'm talking to my wife.
(BERNARD backs up, puts out his hands)
BERNARD
Talk away.
NICHOLAS
Fee --
FIONA
Yes, darling.  What is it?
(HE stares at her with a look that is angry, pleading.  SHE looks back at him, innocent and bemused.  HE cannot penetrate the facade)
LORI
Let's get out of here, Nick.  Let's leave them to their big breakfast.  They'd give us fifty cents and send us to the movies afterward, anyhow.  Let me show you the city.
(HE is still hesitating, reconsidering, as SHE pulls him out the door)
FIONA
Well.  I think that worked out for the best.  Very obliging of them.
BERNARD
Yeah, I just wish she'd thought of that before I started cooking.
(FIONA goes to him, puts her arms around him)
FIONA
Don't you think you'll get over it?
(HE kisses her, smiles)           
BERNARD
I might.

(LIGHTS DOWN)

                            END OF SCENE 2

  ACT TWO

                         Scene 3

(During the scene change, we hear Ella Fitzgerald singing the Rodgers and Hart song "I'll Take Manhattan":)

We'll have Manhattan, the Bronx and Staten Island too
It's lovely strolling through the zoo
It's very fancy on old Delancey Street, you know
The subway thrills us so
When balmy breezes blow, to and fro
And tell me what street compares with Mott Street in July?
Sweet pushcarts gently gliding by . . .

                             SETTING: Chinatown -- which can                                          be represented by a                                              small table of                                                        touristy bric-a-brac,                                              porcelain buddhas,                                                    postcards etc, along                                              the apron of the stage.                                                  

                         AT RISE: LORI and NICHOLAS                                                    walk along, taking                                                in the sights and                                                sounds of Chinatown.
LORI
So you liked the noodles?
NICHOLAS
They were very good.
LORI
We should go for Szechuan sometime when we're uptown -- but not in Chinatown.  Bernie taught me that.
NICHOLAS
You two seem to consume a great deal of Chinese food.
LORI
Yeah, all Jews do.  There's some kind of genetic glitch, no one's figured it out yet.
NICHOLAS
Well, thank you for rescuing me from breakfast at your flat. Before I made a fool of myself.
LORI
I figured we both needed some space.
(They walk on.  NICHOLAS looks around)
NICHOLAS
You know, our Chinatown in London isn't a patch on this.  I've never seen so much . . .
LORI
Dead fish?
NICHOLAS
Everything!  It's so vast.  It's like a city within a city.
LORI
There are a lot of cities within this city.  Most of this used to be the old Lower East Side.  I love walking through different parts of Manhattan.
NICHOLAS
Well, to me it's all very exotic.  Just shows how ignorant I am, when it comes to New York.
LORI
You know, Nick, you keep mentioning things you haven't done, words you haven't heard of -- you keep putting yourself down.
NICHOLAS
Oh?  Well, perhaps I do sometimes -- but there really are a lot of things a man ought to know that I find I don't.  Huge gaps.  And then Fee, or a few old friends, have to act as my interpreters, explain the world to me.
LORI
But why?  You live in London.
NICHOLAS
Yes, but.  I suppose I've lived rather a sheltered life.  I’ve been taking stock, recently, of just how little I know.  The school I went to prepared me for my A levels and not much else.  And then at Exeter I was a dreadful swot.
LORI
I'm sorry. I don't understand a lot of what you're saying.  What was wrong with your school?
NICHOLAS
Oh, nothing particularly wrong with it.  It was an unremarkable, second-rate sort of place, full of nouveau riche boys and relatively posh boys with no money -- I was one of those.
LORI
Did they, like, paddle you there?
NICHOLAS
Did they what?
LORI
Like, beat you?  I'm sorry, I saw this mini-series of "Tom Brown's Schooldays" once --
NICHOLAS
It wasn't quite like that.  Though boys did get caned sometimes, in my day.  I imagine they've cut all that out by now.  I was caned once.  Deserved it, too.
LORI
That's awful!
NICHOLAS
I don't know.  If the master is fair, and if a boy is acting up, I think it does help keep discipline.  It's only when the master is a fool or a sadist that it's a problem.  But it was such a cloistered environment.
LORI
You wanted to go someplace co-ed?
NICHOLAS
I didn't think about it in those terms.  My job there was to cram as hard as I could to get into university.  I scraped in.  And I did all right -- any fool can get a second from Exeter, even me.  And so, here I am: a dull, unimaginitive banker with very little else to say for himself.
LORI
I don't see that.
NICHOLAS
Well, over here I suppose I seem rather exotic.
LORI
(Smiles)
Yeah, you do.
(They are passing the low stand with touristy bric-a-brac displayed.  LORI stops to look)
LORI (CONT'D)
You want to stop and get some chatchkas to bring home to your friends?  A buddha or a fan or something?
NICHOLAS
Perhaps a few postcards . . . It doesn't really matter.
(He looks preoccupied.  LORI picks up a headband with antennae attached --bobbly wires with heavy, glowing balls at the end of each.  SHE tries it on, and the antennae wave back and forth.  NICHOLAS manages a smile)
LORI
What do you think?  Huh?
NICHOLAS
Very becoming.  It looks dead good on you.
LORI
You want to try it on?
NICHOLAS
I -- hardly think so.
LORI
Come on, Nick, it's you.
NICHOLAS
No, really.  Perhaps if they had a pair of cuckold's horns I could try on . . .
LORI
(Puzzled)
What?
NICHOLAS
Nothing.  Bad joke.  Never mind.
LORI
We better head west if we're taking the ferry.  You want to walk it, or take a cab?
NICHOLAS
You know best.
LORI
I'm a walker.  I say we're walking.
NICHOLAS
Very well, then.  Lead on, MacDuff.
(SHE leads him off.  LIGHTS DOWN)

                                    END OF SCENE
  ACT TWO

                          Scene 4

 
(During the scene change, we hear David Bowie from the seventies:)

They pulled in just behind the fridge
He lays her down, he frowns,
"Gee, my life's a funny thing
Am I still too young?"
He kissed her then and there
She took his ring, took his babies
It took him minutes, took her nowhere
Heaven knows she'd have taken anything, but

All night, she wants the young American
Young American, young American
She wants the young American . . .

                             SETTING:  BERNARD and LORI's                                                apartment.

                         AT RISE: FIONA and BERNARD are in                                          bed on the opened fold-  
                                  out couch.  SHE is in a                                           lacy slip, and HE in                                                boxers. They are drowsy,                                            post-coital.

FIONA
Whew.  My goodness.
BERNARD
Yeah, we need a little time out.
FIONA
You certainly know how to make a girl feel welcome.
BERNARD
Still got it, huh?
FIONA
Yes.  Yes, you do.
BERNARD
Well, so do you.  Sleepy?
FIONA
Yes, a bit.  Deliciously sleepy.
BERNARD
I hope you're comfortable.  The one thing Lori insists on is that I don't bring other people into our bed -- and I make it a point to respect that.
FIONA
(Teasing)
It's admirable how well you've got her trained -- in all other respects, I mean.
BERNARD
I don't have her "trained."  We have an understanding.
FIONA
Please.  Bernie.  Look at the way she obediently hopped to it and left with Nick this morning.
BERNARD
She did that just to irritate me, because I'd been making us all breakfast . . . forget it.  Don't try to understand someone else's marriage.
FIONA
All right.
(She sits up)
I hope Nick isn't out asking the people in Chinatown how they can see out of slitty eyes, or something.  I hope he isn't getting himself mugged.
BERNAR